It turns out that Noah did, indeed tell Emily about his addiction to on-line pornography. It was also discovered that his entire family knew about it and while they all claimed to love her like a daughter or sister, they didn't feel the need to tell her. One of the things Noah was critical of was Emily's weight. Compared to the women he was seeing on-line, Emily was fat. Her breasts were too small. Her hips were too wide. I have done a ton of reading about Eating Disorders in the last two weeks. I know that for Emily to have had self-esteem low enough to put up with this treatment, she had to have had other deeply rooted emotional problems. Most of a child's emotional problems can be traced directly back to the way they were parented. I know, it's always the mother's fault, right? Well, guess what? That is a cliche for a damn good reason. Without too much detail (that's another blog altogether!) Emily's father is a workaholic who is emotionally unavailable to her. I suffered a tragic loss around Emily's second birthday which caused me to spiral into deep depression and anxiety from which I have honestly never recovered. Emily told me "Mom, you didn't stick my fingers down my throat, I did". I understand the factual correctness of this sentence, but symbolically, her father and to a larger extent, I am responsible for her choice to stick her fingers down her throat.
Please don't comment that it's not my fault or the loss I suffered was so bad that no one could have been a good mother afterward. I know all those things, I really do! I just refuse to accept them as my reality, just the way Emily refused to accept that she was smart, funny, beautiful, loving and deserving of being treated like a princess. Instead, in her reality, she was fat and ugly. Her breasts were too small and her hips were too big. At the other end of this process upon which we are embarking as a family, I hope that both Emily and I will be able to accept reality as our reality.
So, at Thanksgiving (BTW, this is when Noah told Emily about his addiction) Emily was a size 10. Noah still considered her fat. And so did she. One of the things about the conservative nature of the college they were attending was that the girls were not allowed to wear tight clothing. Even if Emily were a size two, she still wouldn't have looked like the women in the porn sites because her clothes would all be baggy and cover her from collarbone to ankle! Believe it or not, the reasoning behind this method of dress is that men are sexually stimulated visually. If a man is presented with a pretty, well built woman in tight,short clothes he won't be able to control himself. It doesn't give young men any credit for having self-control. In this case, that turned out to be the right call!
Earlier in November, Noah had taken Emily ring shopping. They had discussed marriage and he said he wanted to get an idea of the kind of ring she liked. So, when at his family's home he treated her like shit, she felt so betrayed. His whole family loved her! Why didn't he? In her reality, it was because every mean thing he had ever said about her was true. She was convinced that if she could lose more weight, he would love her again.
When Emily and Noah returned to school after Thanksgiving, they had only three weeks until Christmas break. Noah had stopped saying "I love you" to Emily. They still spent alot of time together, much of it doing Noah's school work. Emily knew things weren't right, but she didn't know why. She figured losing more weight would fix it.
The Sunday night before exams were to start, Noah broke up with Emily. He said that he had asked her out for the wrong reasons to begin with. He thought it was just the next thing to check off on his list: find a girlfriend. He said that he had wanted to break up with her many times during their relationship. He said he never loved her nor planned to marry her. The next day, Emily got her first ever failing grade on a test. Her 4.00 GPA was shot in the ass. She didn't know why at this point, she just knew that she needed to get skinnier.
I don't know when Emily first put her fingers in her throat to make herself throw up. I don't know when she first decided to see how many days she could go without eating a thing. I do know that this became her norm. When she came home for Christmas her senior year, Emily had dropped to a size eight. She was depressed and not eating. I attributed this to the break-up. Who didn't cry all the time and stop eating when they experienced their first heartbreak?
Let me just tell you that the women in my family all have unhealthy relationships with food. My grandmother, mom and I all eat compulsively. We binge eat (no purging for us though!). We eat our feelings. I don't know what the hell happened to my sister, she eats healthily and exercises regularly (I just shuddered thinking about it). We always tease her that she's strange to this day because she came out backwards (breach). Knowing now that all of us women folk have a messed up relationship with food, it shouldn't surprise me that Emily does, too. I just never could have imagined that it would go the way it has.
When Emily went back to school in January (that's this year, 2012) she was miserable. Couldn't wait to get finished with school. She had been looking forward to this semester so much. I thought that once she got back into her school routine and involved in her classes that she would begin to feel better. I figured her friends would be there and the professors and their wives that she had formed strong bonds with should also helpful. Just being back where she lived the last three and a half years would be good for her.
Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong. Noah was everywhere. He waited for her outside her classes, he texted and called her, he watched her from whatever hole he could hide in. Stalker much? It was as if he somehow blamed her for their breakup. The guilt over his porn addiction and the way he mistreated, used and tossed her away must have been eating away at him. Well, it was eating away at Emily, too. She "couldn't" go to meals at the dining common because she'd see him there. He would often stare at her while she ate, looking away quickly when one of her friends turned to stare right back at him.
During the previous semester, Emily had spent most of her time with Noah and his friends. I don't know why they never spent any time with her friends. Maybe because he felt his needs and his friends were more important than hers. I do know that a few of Emily's friends felt something was off about Noah. So, when she returned to school, not only had Emily lost the man she loved, her future husband and fellow servant in Christ, she had lost all of her friends, too. The people who were Noah's friends before Emily came along were still his friends, not hers. The friendships she had built during her first three years of college had drifted away. All she had was her eating disorder. She knew she could control what went in her mouth even if she couldn't control the people around her. She knew she could count on vomiting when she did weaken and indulge. Since she had no close friends at the time, no one saw her not eating at every meal. No one noticed that she was skinny, her eyes were sunken in, that she went to the bathroom after the infrequent meals she did manage to eat. Until she had been back to school about a month. Then someone did notice. Almost the last person you would expect (no, not him!).
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Home
Emily is home from college. She came home two weeks early because her therapist and the college's doctor didn't think she would make it to graduation. She was able to take the exams early in the two classes that she needed for her degree, but the graduate classes she was taking are a complete loss. The Dean of Women did remind Emily that even though she didn't get credit for the classes, she did gain the knowledge. It has been a struggle since she returned home. Trying to get her to eat, making sure she doesn't purge. She is taking in about 200 calories per day, only because we are making her. We are trying to find the right treatment center for her. I will fill in thee blanks between my last post and today when I get a chance.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Not So Distant Past
So, Emily and Noah were an official couple. This is a big thing at their college. The goal of many students is to find a spouse while in college. Emily was very emotionally immature and sexually naive. We had sheltered her to the point that she didn't know how to deal with the feelings she was having toward Noah. Most people have their first dating relationship while in their teens. They experience love, joy, lust, heartbreak, sexual experimentation and healing from the emotional pain that all these things sometimes cause. Emily, and as it turns out, Noah had no idea what they were in for and what to do with their new found love. Yes, they fell fast and hard. Well, we thought they both fell fast and hard. We saw from the beginning of their relationship that they weren't evenly matched. Emily's grades were much better than Noah's. Emily had a definite plan for her life while Noah had no clear idea of what he wanted to do. Emily was up to this point a very motivated, self-disciplined student. She had and still has a very loving, protective relationship with her brother. Noah has five siblings and is only really civil to the brother who is closest in age to him. And Emily seemed to be much more emotionally invested in the relationship than Noah.
The Summer between their Junior and Senior years, Emily and Noah Skyped, talked and texted endlessly. One month she spent 4,000 minutes on the phone with him! Emily went to his home in another state to attend a friend of Noah's wedding. Noah came to our home for 10 days towards the end of Summer to meet us and the extended family. I found out later that there were behaviors Noah was exhibiting that made Emily feel like she should break up with him. She has not shared what those behaviors were, but I am sure they will come out eventually. Each time she felt this way, she would pray about it. She says that God gave her peace about them being together and that she felt like she was supposed to help him become the godly man he wanted to be. We all know that you can't change someone. Maybe if Emily had had previous experience with dating she would have know this. I'd like to think so, but some women never learn the reality of this.
Now might be the right time to share that both Emily and Noah were committed to remaining sexually pure until marriage. They didn't want to even kiss because they knew hormones would make them want take it further. Emily felt cherished by Noah. She thought he valued her virtue and wanted to keep her sexually untouched. She didn't realize that the sin he was struggling with was a pornography addiction. She didn't know that because his only sexual information came from pornography, his views of sex and how women should be treated were skewed. During his time at our home, we were uncomfortable with the amount of physical affection Emily and Noah showed each other. It was nothing that most outside of our belief system would bat an eye at, but to us it was startling.
Between the time we had last seen her at Christmas and when she returned home in May, Emily had dropped from a size 12 to a size 10. We attributed the weight loss to the newness of a relationship. Spending so much time talking at meals getting to know each other better that eating was not the priority. Nervousness about eating in front of a new boyfriend. We also knew she was exercising with a friend who was getting married over the summer and wanted to lose some weight before the wedding.
Emily was supposed to graduate early. She had worked very hard toward her goal of finishing school at the end of the Fall semester. During Noah's visit to our home, we spoke to them regarding their future plans. Noah wanted to be a Pastor stateside and Emily's goal had always been to go back to Uganda. Now Emily had decided that maybe Uganda wasn't right for her and that she would make a better Pastor's wife. I have no doubt that she would make an excellent Pastor's wife, just not to Noah. It is a thankless, selfless job and those are two of Emily's gifts. We were concerned about the sudden change in her plans. They assured us that they had been talking for months about how both of them would be able to adapt what they had always before thought of as God's will for their lives so they could be together. God's will for their lives had not changed. Emily stopped putting God's will first and put Noah's needs first. It was decided that Emily would be allowed to change her schedule for the Fall semester to a lighter load and then attend the Spring semester to finish up her degree and take some graduate level classes. This was a financial burden that we had not planned on.
During the Fall semester, even though her class load was smaller, Emily struggled with having enough time to complete her assignments. Always an excellent student, she was having to give up hours of sleep every night to get her work done. It didn't make sense until we found out that she was helping Noah with his work. He had taken and failed Greek I and was taking it again that semester. As Emily had aced not only Greek I, but the next three semesters of Greek as well, she was able to help him alot. Hours every evening were spent in the library together working on HIS homework while hers went undone until it was time for lights out. This forced her to break the rules, staying up later and getting up earlier than allowed.
Somewhere early in the semester, Emily found out about Noah's porn addiction. I'm not sure how she found out. I can't imagine he told her, but maybe he did. His brother (also a student there) and Noah's best friend both knew, so it may have some from one of them. The best friend always treated Emily badly, but the brother thought of her as a sister. The fact that he was viewing pornography while dating her made her feel dirty and disgusting. She though she was surely fat compared to the women Noah must be seeing on the computer. Emily knew she had to lose weight if she were to keep Noah. She so strongly identified herself as his girlfriend and part of a couple that she couldn't imagine not having him. She is worth so much more! This also put her in a position of having to keep a secret for him. If the school found out, he would be expelled. If the school found out that she knew and didn't report him, she would get expelled. Yeah, the rules are archaic, but they knew the rules when they decided to attend school there. These were adults being treated like children
Emily went with Noah and his brother to their house for Thanksgiving. Of course, they had to take Emily's car, just as they did anytime they went anywhere. Noah's family loved Emily. They treated her like a daughter and a sister. Noah's 16 year old sister, who was sort of reclusive, shared her room with Emily and they were fast friends. The sister spent alot of time with Emily. That was a good thing, because while they were there, Noah ignored Emily almost completely. When he did pay attention to her, it was not nice. She had passed up the opportunity to spend the holiday with family because Noah wanted her to be with him but his priority while home was to play video games with his friends. During those six days, they did not do one thing alone together. Emily decided to stop eating.
While dating, Noah told Emily that he had struggled with an ongoing sin, but not the nature of the sin. They prayed together and did daily devotions together and Noah assured Emily that he was overcoming his sin due in part to her support. During this time, Emily's devotion and loyalty were undivided. She came to put Noah's well-being above everyone else's, including her own. She identified herself as "Noah's Girlfriend" and lost some of herself. She let go of many of her friendships. Noah treated Emily alright most of the time. He would sometimes take out his anger on her. Sometimes he was verbally abusive about Emily's appearance. While nowhere near fat, Emily was not a size two. Emily started to diet and exercise to lose weight.
The Summer between their Junior and Senior years, Emily and Noah Skyped, talked and texted endlessly. One month she spent 4,000 minutes on the phone with him! Emily went to his home in another state to attend a friend of Noah's wedding. Noah came to our home for 10 days towards the end of Summer to meet us and the extended family. I found out later that there were behaviors Noah was exhibiting that made Emily feel like she should break up with him. She has not shared what those behaviors were, but I am sure they will come out eventually. Each time she felt this way, she would pray about it. She says that God gave her peace about them being together and that she felt like she was supposed to help him become the godly man he wanted to be. We all know that you can't change someone. Maybe if Emily had had previous experience with dating she would have know this. I'd like to think so, but some women never learn the reality of this.
Now might be the right time to share that both Emily and Noah were committed to remaining sexually pure until marriage. They didn't want to even kiss because they knew hormones would make them want take it further. Emily felt cherished by Noah. She thought he valued her virtue and wanted to keep her sexually untouched. She didn't realize that the sin he was struggling with was a pornography addiction. She didn't know that because his only sexual information came from pornography, his views of sex and how women should be treated were skewed. During his time at our home, we were uncomfortable with the amount of physical affection Emily and Noah showed each other. It was nothing that most outside of our belief system would bat an eye at, but to us it was startling.
Between the time we had last seen her at Christmas and when she returned home in May, Emily had dropped from a size 12 to a size 10. We attributed the weight loss to the newness of a relationship. Spending so much time talking at meals getting to know each other better that eating was not the priority. Nervousness about eating in front of a new boyfriend. We also knew she was exercising with a friend who was getting married over the summer and wanted to lose some weight before the wedding.
Emily was supposed to graduate early. She had worked very hard toward her goal of finishing school at the end of the Fall semester. During Noah's visit to our home, we spoke to them regarding their future plans. Noah wanted to be a Pastor stateside and Emily's goal had always been to go back to Uganda. Now Emily had decided that maybe Uganda wasn't right for her and that she would make a better Pastor's wife. I have no doubt that she would make an excellent Pastor's wife, just not to Noah. It is a thankless, selfless job and those are two of Emily's gifts. We were concerned about the sudden change in her plans. They assured us that they had been talking for months about how both of them would be able to adapt what they had always before thought of as God's will for their lives so they could be together. God's will for their lives had not changed. Emily stopped putting God's will first and put Noah's needs first. It was decided that Emily would be allowed to change her schedule for the Fall semester to a lighter load and then attend the Spring semester to finish up her degree and take some graduate level classes. This was a financial burden that we had not planned on.
During the Fall semester, even though her class load was smaller, Emily struggled with having enough time to complete her assignments. Always an excellent student, she was having to give up hours of sleep every night to get her work done. It didn't make sense until we found out that she was helping Noah with his work. He had taken and failed Greek I and was taking it again that semester. As Emily had aced not only Greek I, but the next three semesters of Greek as well, she was able to help him alot. Hours every evening were spent in the library together working on HIS homework while hers went undone until it was time for lights out. This forced her to break the rules, staying up later and getting up earlier than allowed.
Somewhere early in the semester, Emily found out about Noah's porn addiction. I'm not sure how she found out. I can't imagine he told her, but maybe he did. His brother (also a student there) and Noah's best friend both knew, so it may have some from one of them. The best friend always treated Emily badly, but the brother thought of her as a sister. The fact that he was viewing pornography while dating her made her feel dirty and disgusting. She though she was surely fat compared to the women Noah must be seeing on the computer. Emily knew she had to lose weight if she were to keep Noah. She so strongly identified herself as his girlfriend and part of a couple that she couldn't imagine not having him. She is worth so much more! This also put her in a position of having to keep a secret for him. If the school found out, he would be expelled. If the school found out that she knew and didn't report him, she would get expelled. Yeah, the rules are archaic, but they knew the rules when they decided to attend school there. These were adults being treated like children
Emily went with Noah and his brother to their house for Thanksgiving. Of course, they had to take Emily's car, just as they did anytime they went anywhere. Noah's family loved Emily. They treated her like a daughter and a sister. Noah's 16 year old sister, who was sort of reclusive, shared her room with Emily and they were fast friends. The sister spent alot of time with Emily. That was a good thing, because while they were there, Noah ignored Emily almost completely. When he did pay attention to her, it was not nice. She had passed up the opportunity to spend the holiday with family because Noah wanted her to be with him but his priority while home was to play video games with his friends. During those six days, they did not do one thing alone together. Emily decided to stop eating.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Past
My daughter is a senior in college. For our purposes, we will call her "Emily". Emily has always been a very driven young woman. She has done well at everything she applied herself to. She was a straight A student through elementary and High School. She was excellent at her musical instrument. She was very active in our church's Youth Group, serving in leadership positions and being chosen to mentor younger girls. Emily was and still is a very good friend to so many. When the time came to choose a college, Emily chose one that she knew offered a challenging curriculum in her chosen major. See, Emily wanted to me a Missionary. She had been on four short-term missions trips and wanted to return to the country she had fallen in love with, Uganda
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Emily chose to major in Bible and minor in Greek. The phrase "It's all Greek to me!" took on a whole new meaning to my family. These degrees would enable Emily to return to Uganda and translate the Bible into the many languages spoken by the multitude of isolated villages in her country of choice.
We were so proud of our girl! She went to a state that was a ten hour drive from home. She lived in a very small room with three (that's right, I said 3) roommates. Emily was getting grades that would make any parent happy. Her Freshman year, Emily had a 4.0 in her Major. Emily's Sophomore year was the same song, different tune.
The thing I haven't mentioned is that we are (were, in some of our cases) a very Conservative, Born-Again, Bible believing, fundamental, Independent Baptist family. The High School Emily went to was attached to our church. It had 170 students from pre-school through 12th grade. There were 13 students in Emily's graduating class. The students were not allowed to touch students of the opposite gender, let alone date them. They weren't allowed to listen to secular music or see movies with anything but a G rating. We were very strict parents. Emily led a very sheltered life. She really seemed to thrive on it. She just was so happy and had so many friends all over the world and of all ages.
We were asked many times if we thought we were setting Emily up for a "rude-awakening" or "culture shock" by keeping her so isolated. People outside our circle of Church friends thought we were unfairly keeping her from exploring the sexual side of herself by not allowing her to date or spend time alone with boys. Emily seemed so mature and accepting. She never fought the rules, always wanted to please us and her church leadership.
Now, back to college. Physical contact between male and female students is not allowed where Emily goes to school. Demerits are handed out for any minor infraction of this policy. There are multiple "dating opportunities" throughout the year. There are also certain places on campus where a guy and girl who identify themselves as "dating" are able to spend time together. Emily had been serving in what her college called an "Extension Ministry", where a group of students would go each Friday evening to a pre-approved site to minister. They went to play ball and have refreshments with inner-city children. They went to have a mini-worship service at an elder-care facility. While on Extension in her Freshman year, Emily had met a guy. I am going to call him "Noah".
Noah and Emily struck up a friendship. Throughout their Freshman and Sophomore years, they spent time together as a group with the other students who went on Extension with them. Emily thought Noah liked her, but he never asked her out. Finally, in February of her Junior year, after being friends for over two years, Noah asked Emily to go to one of the dating opportunity activities the school was holding. Please keep in mind that in our "culture", if a guy wants to date our daughter, he must call her father and ask permission to do so. One date does not "dating" make! After the first date, Emily and Noah started to spend time together when they could. They hung out at the coffee shop, went to meals together, studied together. When Noah decided he wanted to be able to call Emily his "girlfriend", he called her father. After a grueling, hour-long conversation, Emily's father okay-ed the relationship.
I didn't know it at the time, nor did Emily, but during that conversation, Noah confessed to Emily's father that he had struggled with an addiction to Internet pornography. He claimed that he had over come it and that Emily was a big part of his getting victory over his sin. The viewing of pornography is an offense punishable by expulsion at their college. Emily's father, due to Noah's honesty and in good faith, believed him when Noah said that he had gotten victory over his sin. I am a much more cynical person. If I had know about it at the time, Emily would never have been allowed to see Noah again. I would happily have put myself in the path of her wrath to protect her from a walking mass of testosterone who already had some depraved views of the way women are to be treated. In our "culture" it is not up to the mother to make decisions about who the children date. That honor and responsibility falls to the father.
Now, I realize I haven't mentioned anything about Emily's ED in all this time. It is a long story and to understand it all, you need to know the complete back story. As time is short at the moment, I will be back as soon as is humanly possible to fill in the blanks for you. I promise not to leave you hanging!
.
Emily chose to major in Bible and minor in Greek. The phrase "It's all Greek to me!" took on a whole new meaning to my family. These degrees would enable Emily to return to Uganda and translate the Bible into the many languages spoken by the multitude of isolated villages in her country of choice.
We were so proud of our girl! She went to a state that was a ten hour drive from home. She lived in a very small room with three (that's right, I said 3) roommates. Emily was getting grades that would make any parent happy. Her Freshman year, Emily had a 4.0 in her Major. Emily's Sophomore year was the same song, different tune.
The thing I haven't mentioned is that we are (were, in some of our cases) a very Conservative, Born-Again, Bible believing, fundamental, Independent Baptist family. The High School Emily went to was attached to our church. It had 170 students from pre-school through 12th grade. There were 13 students in Emily's graduating class. The students were not allowed to touch students of the opposite gender, let alone date them. They weren't allowed to listen to secular music or see movies with anything but a G rating. We were very strict parents. Emily led a very sheltered life. She really seemed to thrive on it. She just was so happy and had so many friends all over the world and of all ages.
We were asked many times if we thought we were setting Emily up for a "rude-awakening" or "culture shock" by keeping her so isolated. People outside our circle of Church friends thought we were unfairly keeping her from exploring the sexual side of herself by not allowing her to date or spend time alone with boys. Emily seemed so mature and accepting. She never fought the rules, always wanted to please us and her church leadership.
Now, back to college. Physical contact between male and female students is not allowed where Emily goes to school. Demerits are handed out for any minor infraction of this policy. There are multiple "dating opportunities" throughout the year. There are also certain places on campus where a guy and girl who identify themselves as "dating" are able to spend time together. Emily had been serving in what her college called an "Extension Ministry", where a group of students would go each Friday evening to a pre-approved site to minister. They went to play ball and have refreshments with inner-city children. They went to have a mini-worship service at an elder-care facility. While on Extension in her Freshman year, Emily had met a guy. I am going to call him "Noah".
Noah and Emily struck up a friendship. Throughout their Freshman and Sophomore years, they spent time together as a group with the other students who went on Extension with them. Emily thought Noah liked her, but he never asked her out. Finally, in February of her Junior year, after being friends for over two years, Noah asked Emily to go to one of the dating opportunity activities the school was holding. Please keep in mind that in our "culture", if a guy wants to date our daughter, he must call her father and ask permission to do so. One date does not "dating" make! After the first date, Emily and Noah started to spend time together when they could. They hung out at the coffee shop, went to meals together, studied together. When Noah decided he wanted to be able to call Emily his "girlfriend", he called her father. After a grueling, hour-long conversation, Emily's father okay-ed the relationship.
I didn't know it at the time, nor did Emily, but during that conversation, Noah confessed to Emily's father that he had struggled with an addiction to Internet pornography. He claimed that he had over come it and that Emily was a big part of his getting victory over his sin. The viewing of pornography is an offense punishable by expulsion at their college. Emily's father, due to Noah's honesty and in good faith, believed him when Noah said that he had gotten victory over his sin. I am a much more cynical person. If I had know about it at the time, Emily would never have been allowed to see Noah again. I would happily have put myself in the path of her wrath to protect her from a walking mass of testosterone who already had some depraved views of the way women are to be treated. In our "culture" it is not up to the mother to make decisions about who the children date. That honor and responsibility falls to the father.
Now, I realize I haven't mentioned anything about Emily's ED in all this time. It is a long story and to understand it all, you need to know the complete back story. As time is short at the moment, I will be back as soon as is humanly possible to fill in the blanks for you. I promise not to leave you hanging!
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