Today is International Day Against Homophobia. I am going to use this day to concentrate on more than my little world with my little (in the grand scheme of things) problems.
I am fat. My husband is an emotionally unavailable workaholic. My daughter has anorexia and bulimia. My son has Type I Diabetes. None of us will ever be persecuted for these things. None of us will ever be fired from a job due these things. None of us will ever be kicked out of our families for these issues. None of us will ever be denied a job for theses problems. None of us will ever be beaten for these things. None of us will ever be denied the right to have health insurance provided to us by our spouse's job for these reasons. None of us will ever be denied the right to hold the other's hand while they lay dying in a hospital bed for these things. None of us will be barred from the others' funeral by family members because of these things. None of us will be driven to suicide due to the rampant hatred and bullying society will dump on us due to these issues.
None of us will ever know what it feels like to be a gay man or lesbian woman in American in 2012. All the types of discrimination noted above and countless others are perpetrated against millions of homosexuals in America every day. Why? All the answers that have traditionally been given to that little three letter question are unacceptable. There are no real reasons. There are justifications that small minded people make up to soothe their own consciences for spreading hate. There are Bible verses quoted to absolve those who hate from blame for their own idiocy. There are talking points spouted by talking heads to rationalize away their prejudice. None of these things qualify as answers to the question of "Why?"!
There is no answer because there is no excuse. No real reason for the continued maltreatment of a large portion of the American and World-wide population. This is 2012 for Christ's sake. What the hell is wrong with people? If Adam marries Steve, how does that affect you or your marriage or your kids? They don't want to have sex in your living room, they just want the rights that my husband and I have as legally married spouses in The United States of fucking America. I don't think that it's too much to ask that a couple who love each other and want to make their commitment to one another legal and binding should be able to do so without limits and without the hatred of those surrounding them.
I realize that certain groups of Americans will never be able to embrace the gay culture due to the exceedingly small size of their brains. We have to keep fighting so that enough of us are able to accept and embrace gay and lesbian couples to override those small minded individuals.
Don't worry, my next post will be all about me and my problems again. But try to take today to think outside yourself and your problems to at least give a thought to those who have to fight for their rights.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Home... But Not
Well, Emily is home-ish and living with her surrogate family. They refuse to take any money for room and board which of course adds to the maternal guilt (my mom has Jewish blood in her veins and has perfected the art of maternal guilt and passed that talent along to me) that is a crushing weight right now. Mrs. A. is taking really good care of Emily. She is cooking meals with Emily's health in mind. High protein, healthy meals. They all eat together (Pastor, Mrs & Emily) then sit and talk for awhile so Emily can't purge. She has told Pastor that she hasn't purged since she came home. Mrs A even packs a healthy lunch for when Emily works, texts her to remind her to eat and makes Emily send her photos of herself eating it! I don't think even I would go that far.
When Emily arrived home from college, she stayed here for a couple of days. Her collarbones and breastbone were very evident. She has always dressed very conservatively, baggy pants, collar bones covered. She is now wearing pants that, while not tight, definitely fit, and lower cut tops. Her waist looks like it's about 18 inches around. It is almost like she is proud of her emaciated state?
When Emily was planning her homecoming, she said she would not be able to stay here at all if her dad was here. That he was too much of a trigger because she was so angry at him. I told him he'd have to find somewhere else to stay for the two days/nights that she would be here. He sadly (for him, not me) agreed to do what was best for Emily. The second day she was home, she said she was going to stop at his work to see him!? I said that if she wanted to see him, I would just tell him to come home after work. Through their e-mails to each other, Emily says that she never said she didn't want him here. They "can't figure out where the miscommunication came from". Will she ever be able to tell anyone, most especially us, her true feelings? I feel like the bad guy here because it looks like I was trying to keep them apart. I was trying to make her homecoming (for the measly two days we'd have her) as stress-free as possible.
Before Emily came home, I spoke with the As (surrogate family) extensively regarding what we (her parents) felt was the best course of treatment for her. That included her physician, a nutritionist and a therapist. They said they didn't want to replace us as her parents and would work within our recommendations and provide a united front to her. Within 24 hours that united front had crumbled. They are taking excellent care of her physically and lovingly supporting her and meeting her spiritual needs (he is a pastor after all). They seem to have come to the conclusion that her course of treatment should be different from what her parents and previous therapist think is best. Emily is suddenly balking at going to therapy at all. And her forty year old friend Brenda is serving as her nutritionist at this point. When I ask about Brenda's training and education in nutrition I am told that she went through this herself, so she knows what to eat to get better. What the hell?!? Emily thinks that she can over come her ED with prayer and time in the Bible. She keeps reminding me that she is eating alot more and not exercising. While I am an eternal pessimist, can I possibly be the only one who sees that while Emily is thriving in their home, it can't last forever. Sometime, she is going have to leave their home. There won't be anyone to cook healthy meals for her, to make sure she eats them, to keep her from purging. If the deeper emotions that started her downward spiral into ED aren't dealt with, she will revert right back to her previous behavior as soon as she is in a less structured, more stressful situation.
Emily assigned (I was happy to kind of volunteer because I know the major importance of it) me the task of, get this, finding a Christian counselor who practices Biblically based treatment who has ED experience in our area. Talk about rare as hen's teeth. I truly believe that she thought it would be impossible to do so. Guess what? I found one! She is about 45 minutes away and meets all of Emily's requirements. Plus she meets mine. She mixes Biblical counseling with real psychology! She is an actual licensed psychologist. While I have my doubts that Emily will see her, like her and agree to continue therapy with her, it felt good to show Emily that there is qualified help available. She will meet with Emily this coming week for the first appointment.
Emily also saw her physician last week. I really like him (he is my doc, too). He is smart, easy to talk to, a freakin savant when it comes to keeping up with all the latest journals and exceptionally well versed in women's health issues. He ordered a bunch of labs and will see Emily again in two weeks to go over them. He is going to recommend a nutritionist. It seems to be taking forever to get a treatment team in place. At least she is being well cared for in the meantime.
I really feel like an outsider in her life right now. She has always been fairly independent, but it feels like she is intentionally cutting us out of her like as much as she can. When we do see her, she is reluctant to make eye contact. She only fills us in on what's going on in her life if we ask specific questions. She has a sullen, sixteen year old girl attitude, sneering at us with surprising consistency. It is almost as if she is punishing us for something. I'm sure that whatever she is punishing us for is clear in Emily's mind, but we need to know exactly what it is. Since she has never been able to share her true feelings with us, I hope she is able to articulate what she sees as our transgressions after some therapy. I know I am too sensitive to this, but I can't help feeling this way.
Today is Mother's Day, always a hard day for me because it falls so shortly after my other daughter's death and her and Emily's birthday. The first two weeks of May always really suck for me. This year they have been extremely hard. I haven't had a May this bad emotionally in years. I like to kind of avoid Mother's Day and request no special treatment. It brings up all my feelings about being a terrible mother. Please don't offer me platitudes about that not being true, because the proof of it is right in front of me. I was responsible for my other daughter's death. I raised Emily without meeting some very important needs or she wouldn't have an ED. I haven't provide something that my son needs or he wouldn't be as volatile as he is.
I started therapy this week. I really liked Kathy during our first meeting. After having me briefly tell her my story, she said that I jumped from one trauma (staring at age five with my first memory) right to the next one. I didn't tell her about anything in between traumas. She said I have learned to define my life by traumas and am always waiting for the next one, which I am sure is right around the corner. I know I haven't dealt with the grief of my daughter's death (which was 20 years ago this year) or the feelings having to do with being molested. There are so many things. I need to go through them one at a time and feel the shit I have been working so hard to avoid for the last 40 years. Gee, I wonder where Emily learned to not show her true feelings? It is a daunting and terrifying road ahead. It will be hard, painful WORK, but I need to do it, both to show Emily that I am willing to get help to be better equipped emotionally to help her and to be a better mom to my son. There is still time for me to not fuck him up as much as I did Emily.
To end this post on a positive note, Emily is making a valiant effort to take her brother out once a week. Since he is scared for her and doesn't understand why she can't live with us, this is really important time for them to have together. I hope they can talk openly to each other as both of them keep their feelings from us. But, as he is a14 year old boy, I doubt he is real talkative, especially about feelings, ewwww!
When Emily arrived home from college, she stayed here for a couple of days. Her collarbones and breastbone were very evident. She has always dressed very conservatively, baggy pants, collar bones covered. She is now wearing pants that, while not tight, definitely fit, and lower cut tops. Her waist looks like it's about 18 inches around. It is almost like she is proud of her emaciated state?
When Emily was planning her homecoming, she said she would not be able to stay here at all if her dad was here. That he was too much of a trigger because she was so angry at him. I told him he'd have to find somewhere else to stay for the two days/nights that she would be here. He sadly (for him, not me) agreed to do what was best for Emily. The second day she was home, she said she was going to stop at his work to see him!? I said that if she wanted to see him, I would just tell him to come home after work. Through their e-mails to each other, Emily says that she never said she didn't want him here. They "can't figure out where the miscommunication came from". Will she ever be able to tell anyone, most especially us, her true feelings? I feel like the bad guy here because it looks like I was trying to keep them apart. I was trying to make her homecoming (for the measly two days we'd have her) as stress-free as possible.
Before Emily came home, I spoke with the As (surrogate family) extensively regarding what we (her parents) felt was the best course of treatment for her. That included her physician, a nutritionist and a therapist. They said they didn't want to replace us as her parents and would work within our recommendations and provide a united front to her. Within 24 hours that united front had crumbled. They are taking excellent care of her physically and lovingly supporting her and meeting her spiritual needs (he is a pastor after all). They seem to have come to the conclusion that her course of treatment should be different from what her parents and previous therapist think is best. Emily is suddenly balking at going to therapy at all. And her forty year old friend Brenda is serving as her nutritionist at this point. When I ask about Brenda's training and education in nutrition I am told that she went through this herself, so she knows what to eat to get better. What the hell?!? Emily thinks that she can over come her ED with prayer and time in the Bible. She keeps reminding me that she is eating alot more and not exercising. While I am an eternal pessimist, can I possibly be the only one who sees that while Emily is thriving in their home, it can't last forever. Sometime, she is going have to leave their home. There won't be anyone to cook healthy meals for her, to make sure she eats them, to keep her from purging. If the deeper emotions that started her downward spiral into ED aren't dealt with, she will revert right back to her previous behavior as soon as she is in a less structured, more stressful situation.
Emily assigned (I was happy to kind of volunteer because I know the major importance of it) me the task of, get this, finding a Christian counselor who practices Biblically based treatment who has ED experience in our area. Talk about rare as hen's teeth. I truly believe that she thought it would be impossible to do so. Guess what? I found one! She is about 45 minutes away and meets all of Emily's requirements. Plus she meets mine. She mixes Biblical counseling with real psychology! She is an actual licensed psychologist. While I have my doubts that Emily will see her, like her and agree to continue therapy with her, it felt good to show Emily that there is qualified help available. She will meet with Emily this coming week for the first appointment.
Emily also saw her physician last week. I really like him (he is my doc, too). He is smart, easy to talk to, a freakin savant when it comes to keeping up with all the latest journals and exceptionally well versed in women's health issues. He ordered a bunch of labs and will see Emily again in two weeks to go over them. He is going to recommend a nutritionist. It seems to be taking forever to get a treatment team in place. At least she is being well cared for in the meantime.
I really feel like an outsider in her life right now. She has always been fairly independent, but it feels like she is intentionally cutting us out of her like as much as she can. When we do see her, she is reluctant to make eye contact. She only fills us in on what's going on in her life if we ask specific questions. She has a sullen, sixteen year old girl attitude, sneering at us with surprising consistency. It is almost as if she is punishing us for something. I'm sure that whatever she is punishing us for is clear in Emily's mind, but we need to know exactly what it is. Since she has never been able to share her true feelings with us, I hope she is able to articulate what she sees as our transgressions after some therapy. I know I am too sensitive to this, but I can't help feeling this way.
Today is Mother's Day, always a hard day for me because it falls so shortly after my other daughter's death and her and Emily's birthday. The first two weeks of May always really suck for me. This year they have been extremely hard. I haven't had a May this bad emotionally in years. I like to kind of avoid Mother's Day and request no special treatment. It brings up all my feelings about being a terrible mother. Please don't offer me platitudes about that not being true, because the proof of it is right in front of me. I was responsible for my other daughter's death. I raised Emily without meeting some very important needs or she wouldn't have an ED. I haven't provide something that my son needs or he wouldn't be as volatile as he is.
I started therapy this week. I really liked Kathy during our first meeting. After having me briefly tell her my story, she said that I jumped from one trauma (staring at age five with my first memory) right to the next one. I didn't tell her about anything in between traumas. She said I have learned to define my life by traumas and am always waiting for the next one, which I am sure is right around the corner. I know I haven't dealt with the grief of my daughter's death (which was 20 years ago this year) or the feelings having to do with being molested. There are so many things. I need to go through them one at a time and feel the shit I have been working so hard to avoid for the last 40 years. Gee, I wonder where Emily learned to not show her true feelings? It is a daunting and terrifying road ahead. It will be hard, painful WORK, but I need to do it, both to show Emily that I am willing to get help to be better equipped emotionally to help her and to be a better mom to my son. There is still time for me to not fuck him up as much as I did Emily.
To end this post on a positive note, Emily is making a valiant effort to take her brother out once a week. Since he is scared for her and doesn't understand why she can't live with us, this is really important time for them to have together. I hope they can talk openly to each other as both of them keep their feelings from us. But, as he is a14 year old boy, I doubt he is real talkative, especially about feelings, ewwww!
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Rocky Road Home
I was very thankful that Emily had felt safe to reach out to my sister when she needed someone. And that my sister was loving enough and in a financial position that allowed her to get Emily the help she needed. That said, when my sister told me about Emily's ED I as angry. Very angry. I felt betrayed that something so serious had been happening to my child and no one felt I was strong enough to handle it. During the time that Emily was sick but it was being kept from me, my life was crumbling. Emily knew parts of what was happening, but not all of it. She kept asking me for more and more details. Imagine the guilt I had when I found out that those very details were making her sicker. If I had know she was sick, I would never have told her anything bad that was happening at home.
My DH (Dear Husband or Dick Head depending on my feelings at the moment) owns a woefully unsuccessful business. He works up to 80 hours a week, thinking that the more he works the more money he will make. The truth is that he needs to work smarter and spend his time on billable jobs, not other things unrelated to the business. His business has been failing for 17 years. Everyone can see it but him. We are always hanging on to our house by our fingernails. During the months that Emily was sick, DH was not paying her tuition. The house was in pre-foreclosure, the utilities were in constant threat of being turned off and the car was a month from re-possession. Add to this DH's dedication to his ministry at church and an emotional affair with a fellow ministry worker. DH spent alot of money on the kids in his ministry. Money that could have been used in many ways to help our family. He spent an unbelievable amount of time on his ministry and with his "friend". Everyone around him saw their relationship growing into something inappropriate for a married man and a married woman that were not married to each other!
He wanted to hire his "friend" to work at his business. He told me many times how organized she was and how she was willing to do any task he asked of her. I was so sick of hearing about how grreat she was. And of him talking to her on the phone either outside or in another room with the door closed. Did he think I was too stupid to figure it out? He seemed to see her as the savior of his business. Over the years there have been many things and people that he thought would "save" his business. I got to the point that I realized there is nothing that will save it. I asked him not to hire her. Emily asked him not to hire her. The Pastor at church asked him not to hire her. While we were all asking this, she was quiting her job and working for him anyway. Emily and I saw this as a serious breach of what little trust we had in him.
Over the last decade, we have all begged DH to give up his ministry so he could devote more time to his family and business. He never would because the kids needed him. He always chose the ministry over us. Our church is very conservative and legalistic. A married man and a married woman are not to spend time alone together because of the appearance of impropriety and the temptation. The Pastor told DH that he had to stop spending time with this woman or he would be removed from his ministry. He chose to continue spending time with her and was subsequently removed from the ministry. He chose HER over the ministry when for 10 years he had shown us through his actions that the ministry was more important than his family. He still talks, texts and e-mails her many times a day.
This was very hard for Emily to take and she suggested that I divorce him. She is a very anti-divorce person. Several years ago I saw a lawyer regarding divorce. When I told Emily what I was considering, she got very angry and judgemental. I decided not to follow through with the divorce. Emily now felt a heavy burden of guilt because she thought that if she hadn't reacted the way she did then, I would be free of the pain I was now suffering. I assured her many times that it was MY decision not to divorce him. I am just not strong enough to step out on my own.
OK, back to college. After Emily and I talked about her ED and the seriousness of it, I felt like we were good. She had confided in me, I thought completely. Details continue to be revealed that she didn't tell me right away. It was discussed whether she would come home early and miss graduation or try to tough it out for another few weeks. Her therapist (with whom I was now in communication) recommended coming home early, as did I.
Emily went to her faculty advisor and confided everything to him.. He got the Dean of Women involved. The Dean made Emily go to the doctor associated with the school. The doctor recommended that Emily get home and away from the stress of school ASAP. Her faculty advisor could not have been more helpful. He arranged for Emily to stay at the home of one of her professors for several days and miss her classes so she could catch up on some rest in a stress-free environment. The wife of this professor had developed a relationship with Emily and had been very concerned about her.
Emily's advisor was working during this time to find ways to have Emily's professors let her take her final exams early so she could come home. The professor teaching her undergrad courses allowed it. He also allowed her to waive the quizzes and projects that were due before the exam. The professors of the graduate courses however, were not cooperative. Emily went to the Dean of the department who said he could not help her and if she chose to leave early she would lose those credits (Grrrr!). The Dean of Women mad a good point in that Emily would still have the knowledge she had gained in those classes, just not the credits. Emily felt guilty that the money invested in those courses was wasted. I was unable to convince her that her health was far more important than any amount of money.
We all felt that with the blackouts and dizziness, Emily wasn't safe to make the 11 hour drive home alone. I would fly down and drive her home or a friend would come home with her and we would buy her a ticket to fly back down. Her awesome, wonderful friend who loves her a ton got permission to skip her Monday classes. She also made sure that Emily ate a good breakfast before they left and that she wasn't left alone to purge. They left to drive home on Sunday, just eight days after I had been told of her ED.
During those eight days, I had been making appointments with her doctor, spending hours ahd hours everyday on-line finding treatment centers. Her therapist and the school doctor felt strongly that Emily needed in-patient treatment. I kept Emily informed to a degree about what I was finding. It was then that she told me she couldn't live at home with us. The stress in of my relationship with DH and her brother's Type I Diabetes would be harmful to her. She spoke with one of the Pastors at the church with whom she has been very close for 10 years. He and his wife love her very much. Their daughter has been Emily's mentor for years. They were happy to have her stay in their guest suite for however long it took to get her the treatment she needed.
I was crushed that I was unable to provide a safe environment for my own child. The guilt was overwhelming (seeing a pattern here?). At the same time, I was very thankfull that Emily had a safe place to go where she would be loved and nurtured. What mattered most was not how I felt. What mattered the most was getting Emily home, to a safe place where she could begin to heal. She is still living there. And adamantly refuses to go to in-patient treatment.
My DH (Dear Husband or Dick Head depending on my feelings at the moment) owns a woefully unsuccessful business. He works up to 80 hours a week, thinking that the more he works the more money he will make. The truth is that he needs to work smarter and spend his time on billable jobs, not other things unrelated to the business. His business has been failing for 17 years. Everyone can see it but him. We are always hanging on to our house by our fingernails. During the months that Emily was sick, DH was not paying her tuition. The house was in pre-foreclosure, the utilities were in constant threat of being turned off and the car was a month from re-possession. Add to this DH's dedication to his ministry at church and an emotional affair with a fellow ministry worker. DH spent alot of money on the kids in his ministry. Money that could have been used in many ways to help our family. He spent an unbelievable amount of time on his ministry and with his "friend". Everyone around him saw their relationship growing into something inappropriate for a married man and a married woman that were not married to each other!
He wanted to hire his "friend" to work at his business. He told me many times how organized she was and how she was willing to do any task he asked of her. I was so sick of hearing about how grreat she was. And of him talking to her on the phone either outside or in another room with the door closed. Did he think I was too stupid to figure it out? He seemed to see her as the savior of his business. Over the years there have been many things and people that he thought would "save" his business. I got to the point that I realized there is nothing that will save it. I asked him not to hire her. Emily asked him not to hire her. The Pastor at church asked him not to hire her. While we were all asking this, she was quiting her job and working for him anyway. Emily and I saw this as a serious breach of what little trust we had in him.
Over the last decade, we have all begged DH to give up his ministry so he could devote more time to his family and business. He never would because the kids needed him. He always chose the ministry over us. Our church is very conservative and legalistic. A married man and a married woman are not to spend time alone together because of the appearance of impropriety and the temptation. The Pastor told DH that he had to stop spending time with this woman or he would be removed from his ministry. He chose to continue spending time with her and was subsequently removed from the ministry. He chose HER over the ministry when for 10 years he had shown us through his actions that the ministry was more important than his family. He still talks, texts and e-mails her many times a day.
This was very hard for Emily to take and she suggested that I divorce him. She is a very anti-divorce person. Several years ago I saw a lawyer regarding divorce. When I told Emily what I was considering, she got very angry and judgemental. I decided not to follow through with the divorce. Emily now felt a heavy burden of guilt because she thought that if she hadn't reacted the way she did then, I would be free of the pain I was now suffering. I assured her many times that it was MY decision not to divorce him. I am just not strong enough to step out on my own.
OK, back to college. After Emily and I talked about her ED and the seriousness of it, I felt like we were good. She had confided in me, I thought completely. Details continue to be revealed that she didn't tell me right away. It was discussed whether she would come home early and miss graduation or try to tough it out for another few weeks. Her therapist (with whom I was now in communication) recommended coming home early, as did I.
Emily went to her faculty advisor and confided everything to him.. He got the Dean of Women involved. The Dean made Emily go to the doctor associated with the school. The doctor recommended that Emily get home and away from the stress of school ASAP. Her faculty advisor could not have been more helpful. He arranged for Emily to stay at the home of one of her professors for several days and miss her classes so she could catch up on some rest in a stress-free environment. The wife of this professor had developed a relationship with Emily and had been very concerned about her.
Emily's advisor was working during this time to find ways to have Emily's professors let her take her final exams early so she could come home. The professor teaching her undergrad courses allowed it. He also allowed her to waive the quizzes and projects that were due before the exam. The professors of the graduate courses however, were not cooperative. Emily went to the Dean of the department who said he could not help her and if she chose to leave early she would lose those credits (Grrrr!). The Dean of Women mad a good point in that Emily would still have the knowledge she had gained in those classes, just not the credits. Emily felt guilty that the money invested in those courses was wasted. I was unable to convince her that her health was far more important than any amount of money.
We all felt that with the blackouts and dizziness, Emily wasn't safe to make the 11 hour drive home alone. I would fly down and drive her home or a friend would come home with her and we would buy her a ticket to fly back down. Her awesome, wonderful friend who loves her a ton got permission to skip her Monday classes. She also made sure that Emily ate a good breakfast before they left and that she wasn't left alone to purge. They left to drive home on Sunday, just eight days after I had been told of her ED.
During those eight days, I had been making appointments with her doctor, spending hours ahd hours everyday on-line finding treatment centers. Her therapist and the school doctor felt strongly that Emily needed in-patient treatment. I kept Emily informed to a degree about what I was finding. It was then that she told me she couldn't live at home with us. The stress in of my relationship with DH and her brother's Type I Diabetes would be harmful to her. She spoke with one of the Pastors at the church with whom she has been very close for 10 years. He and his wife love her very much. Their daughter has been Emily's mentor for years. They were happy to have her stay in their guest suite for however long it took to get her the treatment she needed.
I was crushed that I was unable to provide a safe environment for my own child. The guilt was overwhelming (seeing a pattern here?). At the same time, I was very thankfull that Emily had a safe place to go where she would be loved and nurtured. What mattered most was not how I felt. What mattered the most was getting Emily home, to a safe place where she could begin to heal. She is still living there. And adamantly refuses to go to in-patient treatment.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Graduation Day
I know I am still writing the history of Emily's anorexia, but I have to talk about yesterday. It would have been Emily's college graduation day. Since she withdrew early, the school wouldn't allow her to walk and get her diploma. If she could have, I would have done anything in my power to get her there.
The family that Emily is staying with invited my husband and me over for lunch. The woman (I thought she was younger, but she is 40) that Emily has befriended at church was there. I'm calling her Brenda. Brenda is an anorexia success story. She was down to 75 pounds at her lowest point as a teenager. She has told Emily that the way she got better was through prayer and moving out on her own. She claims that once she had to take care of herself, she did just that. With stress being one of Emily's strongest triggers, I cannot fathom how moving out on her own and being responsible for all her bills and everything else that comes with living away from your family for the first time wouldn't cause her to back slide, not improve!
Well, we went to lunch and it was like high school. It felt like every rejection I had faced in my life only magnified because it was my flesh and blood doing the rejecting. Emily and Brenda disappeared into Emily's room to check it out and look at a book Emily had bought on the advice of her therapist at school. I followed them down because I wanted to see her room, too! When Brenda asked if Emily was finished with the book and could she borrow it, Emily said she was finished with it but she wanted Mrs. A. (her host family) to read it. It was like a dagger to my heart. She didn't want me to read it, but her surrogate mother.
When we were at the table to eat, Emily ate a piece of quiche and 1/4 pear wrapped in prosciutto. It was great to see that. Brenda & Emily sat next to each other and murmured to each other and giggled and talked about what Emily would eventually eat. They were in their own little world. Emily wouldn't even open the graduation gift we had brought her. She was wearing a new watch, which was the graduation gift that Brenda had brought her.
Then the conversation turned to dead children. For some reason, Brenda brought it up. Why in the hell would she do that? My other daughter's death anniversary was May 1st. Yesterday was the anniversary of her funeral. Yes, I remember that date, too. I had a particularly hard time with the anniversary this year as my husband is cheating on me and my daughter is slowly trying to kill herself.
I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. I couldn't seem to pull it together after that. Brenda (smart ass bitch) asked if I was OK. I told her and them that I really felt like an outsider in my own daughter's life. Emily hadn't made eye contact with me or my husband the whole time we were there. They assured me that this was the best thing for her and we would all come out of it stronger, yada, yada, yada.
All I knew is that it felt like every time my mother put a man first in her life, every time my husband put his job first, every time I wasn't accepted as a teen, every time I was called a slut in high school. It SUCKED. I left shortly after that. Emily was supposed to come over in the evening to watch a movie with her brother, but texted that it had been too emotional of a day for her and she couldn't come over. I am fucking losing my daughter. I will not survive if I have to bury another child.
The family that Emily is staying with invited my husband and me over for lunch. The woman (I thought she was younger, but she is 40) that Emily has befriended at church was there. I'm calling her Brenda. Brenda is an anorexia success story. She was down to 75 pounds at her lowest point as a teenager. She has told Emily that the way she got better was through prayer and moving out on her own. She claims that once she had to take care of herself, she did just that. With stress being one of Emily's strongest triggers, I cannot fathom how moving out on her own and being responsible for all her bills and everything else that comes with living away from your family for the first time wouldn't cause her to back slide, not improve!
Well, we went to lunch and it was like high school. It felt like every rejection I had faced in my life only magnified because it was my flesh and blood doing the rejecting. Emily and Brenda disappeared into Emily's room to check it out and look at a book Emily had bought on the advice of her therapist at school. I followed them down because I wanted to see her room, too! When Brenda asked if Emily was finished with the book and could she borrow it, Emily said she was finished with it but she wanted Mrs. A. (her host family) to read it. It was like a dagger to my heart. She didn't want me to read it, but her surrogate mother.
When we were at the table to eat, Emily ate a piece of quiche and 1/4 pear wrapped in prosciutto. It was great to see that. Brenda & Emily sat next to each other and murmured to each other and giggled and talked about what Emily would eventually eat. They were in their own little world. Emily wouldn't even open the graduation gift we had brought her. She was wearing a new watch, which was the graduation gift that Brenda had brought her.
Then the conversation turned to dead children. For some reason, Brenda brought it up. Why in the hell would she do that? My other daughter's death anniversary was May 1st. Yesterday was the anniversary of her funeral. Yes, I remember that date, too. I had a particularly hard time with the anniversary this year as my husband is cheating on me and my daughter is slowly trying to kill herself.
I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. I couldn't seem to pull it together after that. Brenda (smart ass bitch) asked if I was OK. I told her and them that I really felt like an outsider in my own daughter's life. Emily hadn't made eye contact with me or my husband the whole time we were there. They assured me that this was the best thing for her and we would all come out of it stronger, yada, yada, yada.
All I knew is that it felt like every time my mother put a man first in her life, every time my husband put his job first, every time I wasn't accepted as a teen, every time I was called a slut in high school. It SUCKED. I left shortly after that. Emily was supposed to come over in the evening to watch a movie with her brother, but texted that it had been too emotional of a day for her and she couldn't come over. I am fucking losing my daughter. I will not survive if I have to bury another child.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Busted!
Since my last post, I fond out that Noah was turned in to the college for having an addiction to online pornography. The sister of his best friend had suspected for years. She went to Emily for confirmation. She was very concerned about her brothers who spent a lot of time with Noah and his brother. She then went to Noah's faculty advisor, the Dean of Men and her father, who is a Deacon in the home church which both her and Noah's family attend. Noah was supposed to be an intern there this summer. Not a fit role model for the youth of the church. The consequences at school would be that Noah would have to drop out of the Bible major and if he handled the disciple without the proper repentance, he would be expelled. We don't know at this point which way it turned out. Emily thought for sure that he would call and blame her, harassing her again. The only calls she has gotten have been from Noah's mother and thankfullyEmilye has been strong enough to resist answering them.
Speaking of Noah's mom, she was the one who first noticed Emily's gaunt appearance. Noah's 16 year old sister, with whom Emily had become good friends, came to the college for a visit in February. She was scheduled to stay in Emily's room. She had no relationship with Noah to speak of. Regardless of that, he decided that he didn't want her staying with Emily and at the last minute made her change her room assignment. She took a bunch of pictures of Emily while she was there.
When she returned home, she showed the pictures to her mom and commented on Emily's thinness. Noah's mom said right away, "Emily has anorexia." Emily had gone from a size 10 when she visited them in November to a size six in February. Noah's mom and Emily had carried on a relationship after the break up. This makes no sense to me nor to anyone else I have spoken to (except Emily). When a relationship ends, the relationship with the family ends, too. It was so weird that they still spoke at least weekly.
Noah's mom called Emily and found out to a limited extent what Emily's relationship with food had turned in to. She encouraged Emily to get help from a school counselor and to TELL HER MOTHER. Noah's mom called regularly and re-emphasized the importance of this. While I have really bad feelings for the woman for hiding her son's addiction from Emily, I deeply appreciate her trying to help Emily when Emily felt she couldn't turn to me for help. When Emily refused to get help on her own, Noah's mom called the Dean of Women and explained to them what was going on. They said they would check in to it.
At this same time, several things were happening. One of Emily's roommates had spoken to her several times about Emily's vomiting. When Emily just got angry at her, the roommate went to the Dorm Supervisor and told her what was happening. The Dean of Women instructed that same dorm supe to speak with Emily. When Emily told the dorm supe she didn't want to talk about it, it was dropped. I have since spoken to the Dean of Women and suggest that since there is no way that Emily could be the only girl on campus suffering an ED, maybe it would benefit the college to have a policy in place to follow up on these reports more aggressively. She said she would suggest it at the next meeting. I am not hopeful
Emily had kept one good friend during this ordeal. I am going to call her Carrie. Emily had told Carrie everything as it was happening. She was the only one who knew the whole truth, She tried to get Emily to eat and then stayed with her for a while afterward so she wouldn't purge. Carrie would break the rules with Emily to spend ours in the middle of the night in a quiet place in the dorm just talking everything through. Carrie even attended one of Emily's early therapy appointents to get some ideas as to how to best help. I am so thankful for Carrie's friendship and love for Emily.
Also around this time, Emily discovered that when she did eat, she couldn't keep food down even if she wanted to. My sister is a medical professional (I won't say what her degree is to keep her anonymity protected). She and Emily are very close. Emily is also very close to her Uncle and cousins. When Emily was unable to keep food down (again, this was mid-February, over a month since her return to school) she called her Aunt. Even though we tease my sister about being backwards, she is very smart and takes no shit. She dug and pushed and prodded until Emily confessed most of what was going on. My sister told Emily that she needed help immediately and if she chose not to get it, my sister would fly down to school and take Emily out of school and return her home to us. My sister found a psychologist/nutritionist with 30 years' experience. She set up an appointment for Emily with a local doctor to get medicine so she'd be able to keep down the food that she wanted to. Keep in mind that my sister is thousands of miles away.
When Emily started blacking out, my sister (with the help of the therapist) got her to a hospital for an EKG and blood panel, then back to the doctor's office. The therapist, to whom I owe so much, went with Emily to all these appointments as well as seeing Emily in her office twice a week. My sister and her husband paid for everything. I had no idea any of this was going on. Emily told me during our phone calls that she wasn't sleeping well but that everything else was fine. My sister told me that she and my niece spoke to Emily regularly. I found out later that my sister had sent Emily some size four clothing and that it was too big on Emily.
In early April my sister and her husband were going to be down south on a trip for their 20th anniversary. They would only be a four hour drive from Emily's school, so they scheduled an extra room at the B & B where they were staying so Emily could spend a night and day with them. If I had know that Emily was having blackouts, there is no way she would have made that four hour drive.
While they visited, Emily ate small meals and didn't purge. My sister told Emily that it was past time to tell me what was happening. They planned to call me while they were together, but Emily chickened out. The following weekend my sister called me and told me that Emily had given her permission to talk freely to me about what was going on with Emily's ED. There aren't words for the physical pain I felt upon finding out how deeply my daughter was suffering. We had spoken for hours and hours after Noah broke up with her. I had assured and reassured her that none of what happened with him was her fault. That she was worth being treated like a princess and worthy of unconditional love. That he was not worth her tears. That he was a liar from the beginning and that she never really knew him. I knew she was having trouble letting go of Noah and his family, but no idea how much she was punishing herself for his sins.
When I finished speaking to my sister, I cried and cried and cried. Then I pulled my self together and called Emily. She was walking to the libraryto work on a paper for a class she had always done very well in but was now struggling in because her brain was starving. I asked her if there was a bench nearby and had her sit down. The first thing I told her was that I loved her more than she could possibly imagine.
Speaking of Noah's mom, she was the one who first noticed Emily's gaunt appearance. Noah's 16 year old sister, with whom Emily had become good friends, came to the college for a visit in February. She was scheduled to stay in Emily's room. She had no relationship with Noah to speak of. Regardless of that, he decided that he didn't want her staying with Emily and at the last minute made her change her room assignment. She took a bunch of pictures of Emily while she was there.
When she returned home, she showed the pictures to her mom and commented on Emily's thinness. Noah's mom said right away, "Emily has anorexia." Emily had gone from a size 10 when she visited them in November to a size six in February. Noah's mom and Emily had carried on a relationship after the break up. This makes no sense to me nor to anyone else I have spoken to (except Emily). When a relationship ends, the relationship with the family ends, too. It was so weird that they still spoke at least weekly.
Noah's mom called Emily and found out to a limited extent what Emily's relationship with food had turned in to. She encouraged Emily to get help from a school counselor and to TELL HER MOTHER. Noah's mom called regularly and re-emphasized the importance of this. While I have really bad feelings for the woman for hiding her son's addiction from Emily, I deeply appreciate her trying to help Emily when Emily felt she couldn't turn to me for help. When Emily refused to get help on her own, Noah's mom called the Dean of Women and explained to them what was going on. They said they would check in to it.
At this same time, several things were happening. One of Emily's roommates had spoken to her several times about Emily's vomiting. When Emily just got angry at her, the roommate went to the Dorm Supervisor and told her what was happening. The Dean of Women instructed that same dorm supe to speak with Emily. When Emily told the dorm supe she didn't want to talk about it, it was dropped. I have since spoken to the Dean of Women and suggest that since there is no way that Emily could be the only girl on campus suffering an ED, maybe it would benefit the college to have a policy in place to follow up on these reports more aggressively. She said she would suggest it at the next meeting. I am not hopeful
Emily had kept one good friend during this ordeal. I am going to call her Carrie. Emily had told Carrie everything as it was happening. She was the only one who knew the whole truth, She tried to get Emily to eat and then stayed with her for a while afterward so she wouldn't purge. Carrie would break the rules with Emily to spend ours in the middle of the night in a quiet place in the dorm just talking everything through. Carrie even attended one of Emily's early therapy appointents to get some ideas as to how to best help. I am so thankful for Carrie's friendship and love for Emily.
Also around this time, Emily discovered that when she did eat, she couldn't keep food down even if she wanted to. My sister is a medical professional (I won't say what her degree is to keep her anonymity protected). She and Emily are very close. Emily is also very close to her Uncle and cousins. When Emily was unable to keep food down (again, this was mid-February, over a month since her return to school) she called her Aunt. Even though we tease my sister about being backwards, she is very smart and takes no shit. She dug and pushed and prodded until Emily confessed most of what was going on. My sister told Emily that she needed help immediately and if she chose not to get it, my sister would fly down to school and take Emily out of school and return her home to us. My sister found a psychologist/nutritionist with 30 years' experience. She set up an appointment for Emily with a local doctor to get medicine so she'd be able to keep down the food that she wanted to. Keep in mind that my sister is thousands of miles away.
When Emily started blacking out, my sister (with the help of the therapist) got her to a hospital for an EKG and blood panel, then back to the doctor's office. The therapist, to whom I owe so much, went with Emily to all these appointments as well as seeing Emily in her office twice a week. My sister and her husband paid for everything. I had no idea any of this was going on. Emily told me during our phone calls that she wasn't sleeping well but that everything else was fine. My sister told me that she and my niece spoke to Emily regularly. I found out later that my sister had sent Emily some size four clothing and that it was too big on Emily.
In early April my sister and her husband were going to be down south on a trip for their 20th anniversary. They would only be a four hour drive from Emily's school, so they scheduled an extra room at the B & B where they were staying so Emily could spend a night and day with them. If I had know that Emily was having blackouts, there is no way she would have made that four hour drive.
While they visited, Emily ate small meals and didn't purge. My sister told Emily that it was past time to tell me what was happening. They planned to call me while they were together, but Emily chickened out. The following weekend my sister called me and told me that Emily had given her permission to talk freely to me about what was going on with Emily's ED. There aren't words for the physical pain I felt upon finding out how deeply my daughter was suffering. We had spoken for hours and hours after Noah broke up with her. I had assured and reassured her that none of what happened with him was her fault. That she was worth being treated like a princess and worthy of unconditional love. That he was not worth her tears. That he was a liar from the beginning and that she never really knew him. I knew she was having trouble letting go of Noah and his family, but no idea how much she was punishing herself for his sins.
When I finished speaking to my sister, I cried and cried and cried. Then I pulled my self together and called Emily. She was walking to the libraryto work on a paper for a class she had always done very well in but was now struggling in because her brain was starving. I asked her if there was a bench nearby and had her sit down. The first thing I told her was that I loved her more than she could possibly imagine.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Starving
It turns out that Noah did, indeed tell Emily about his addiction to on-line pornography. It was also discovered that his entire family knew about it and while they all claimed to love her like a daughter or sister, they didn't feel the need to tell her. One of the things Noah was critical of was Emily's weight. Compared to the women he was seeing on-line, Emily was fat. Her breasts were too small. Her hips were too wide. I have done a ton of reading about Eating Disorders in the last two weeks. I know that for Emily to have had self-esteem low enough to put up with this treatment, she had to have had other deeply rooted emotional problems. Most of a child's emotional problems can be traced directly back to the way they were parented. I know, it's always the mother's fault, right? Well, guess what? That is a cliche for a damn good reason. Without too much detail (that's another blog altogether!) Emily's father is a workaholic who is emotionally unavailable to her. I suffered a tragic loss around Emily's second birthday which caused me to spiral into deep depression and anxiety from which I have honestly never recovered. Emily told me "Mom, you didn't stick my fingers down my throat, I did". I understand the factual correctness of this sentence, but symbolically, her father and to a larger extent, I am responsible for her choice to stick her fingers down her throat.
Please don't comment that it's not my fault or the loss I suffered was so bad that no one could have been a good mother afterward. I know all those things, I really do! I just refuse to accept them as my reality, just the way Emily refused to accept that she was smart, funny, beautiful, loving and deserving of being treated like a princess. Instead, in her reality, she was fat and ugly. Her breasts were too small and her hips were too big. At the other end of this process upon which we are embarking as a family, I hope that both Emily and I will be able to accept reality as our reality.
So, at Thanksgiving (BTW, this is when Noah told Emily about his addiction) Emily was a size 10. Noah still considered her fat. And so did she. One of the things about the conservative nature of the college they were attending was that the girls were not allowed to wear tight clothing. Even if Emily were a size two, she still wouldn't have looked like the women in the porn sites because her clothes would all be baggy and cover her from collarbone to ankle! Believe it or not, the reasoning behind this method of dress is that men are sexually stimulated visually. If a man is presented with a pretty, well built woman in tight,short clothes he won't be able to control himself. It doesn't give young men any credit for having self-control. In this case, that turned out to be the right call!
Earlier in November, Noah had taken Emily ring shopping. They had discussed marriage and he said he wanted to get an idea of the kind of ring she liked. So, when at his family's home he treated her like shit, she felt so betrayed. His whole family loved her! Why didn't he? In her reality, it was because every mean thing he had ever said about her was true. She was convinced that if she could lose more weight, he would love her again.
When Emily and Noah returned to school after Thanksgiving, they had only three weeks until Christmas break. Noah had stopped saying "I love you" to Emily. They still spent alot of time together, much of it doing Noah's school work. Emily knew things weren't right, but she didn't know why. She figured losing more weight would fix it.
The Sunday night before exams were to start, Noah broke up with Emily. He said that he had asked her out for the wrong reasons to begin with. He thought it was just the next thing to check off on his list: find a girlfriend. He said that he had wanted to break up with her many times during their relationship. He said he never loved her nor planned to marry her. The next day, Emily got her first ever failing grade on a test. Her 4.00 GPA was shot in the ass. She didn't know why at this point, she just knew that she needed to get skinnier.
I don't know when Emily first put her fingers in her throat to make herself throw up. I don't know when she first decided to see how many days she could go without eating a thing. I do know that this became her norm. When she came home for Christmas her senior year, Emily had dropped to a size eight. She was depressed and not eating. I attributed this to the break-up. Who didn't cry all the time and stop eating when they experienced their first heartbreak?
Let me just tell you that the women in my family all have unhealthy relationships with food. My grandmother, mom and I all eat compulsively. We binge eat (no purging for us though!). We eat our feelings. I don't know what the hell happened to my sister, she eats healthily and exercises regularly (I just shuddered thinking about it). We always tease her that she's strange to this day because she came out backwards (breach). Knowing now that all of us women folk have a messed up relationship with food, it shouldn't surprise me that Emily does, too. I just never could have imagined that it would go the way it has.
When Emily went back to school in January (that's this year, 2012) she was miserable. Couldn't wait to get finished with school. She had been looking forward to this semester so much. I thought that once she got back into her school routine and involved in her classes that she would begin to feel better. I figured her friends would be there and the professors and their wives that she had formed strong bonds with should also helpful. Just being back where she lived the last three and a half years would be good for her.
Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong. Noah was everywhere. He waited for her outside her classes, he texted and called her, he watched her from whatever hole he could hide in. Stalker much? It was as if he somehow blamed her for their breakup. The guilt over his porn addiction and the way he mistreated, used and tossed her away must have been eating away at him. Well, it was eating away at Emily, too. She "couldn't" go to meals at the dining common because she'd see him there. He would often stare at her while she ate, looking away quickly when one of her friends turned to stare right back at him.
During the previous semester, Emily had spent most of her time with Noah and his friends. I don't know why they never spent any time with her friends. Maybe because he felt his needs and his friends were more important than hers. I do know that a few of Emily's friends felt something was off about Noah. So, when she returned to school, not only had Emily lost the man she loved, her future husband and fellow servant in Christ, she had lost all of her friends, too. The people who were Noah's friends before Emily came along were still his friends, not hers. The friendships she had built during her first three years of college had drifted away. All she had was her eating disorder. She knew she could control what went in her mouth even if she couldn't control the people around her. She knew she could count on vomiting when she did weaken and indulge. Since she had no close friends at the time, no one saw her not eating at every meal. No one noticed that she was skinny, her eyes were sunken in, that she went to the bathroom after the infrequent meals she did manage to eat. Until she had been back to school about a month. Then someone did notice. Almost the last person you would expect (no, not him!).
Please don't comment that it's not my fault or the loss I suffered was so bad that no one could have been a good mother afterward. I know all those things, I really do! I just refuse to accept them as my reality, just the way Emily refused to accept that she was smart, funny, beautiful, loving and deserving of being treated like a princess. Instead, in her reality, she was fat and ugly. Her breasts were too small and her hips were too big. At the other end of this process upon which we are embarking as a family, I hope that both Emily and I will be able to accept reality as our reality.
So, at Thanksgiving (BTW, this is when Noah told Emily about his addiction) Emily was a size 10. Noah still considered her fat. And so did she. One of the things about the conservative nature of the college they were attending was that the girls were not allowed to wear tight clothing. Even if Emily were a size two, she still wouldn't have looked like the women in the porn sites because her clothes would all be baggy and cover her from collarbone to ankle! Believe it or not, the reasoning behind this method of dress is that men are sexually stimulated visually. If a man is presented with a pretty, well built woman in tight,short clothes he won't be able to control himself. It doesn't give young men any credit for having self-control. In this case, that turned out to be the right call!
Earlier in November, Noah had taken Emily ring shopping. They had discussed marriage and he said he wanted to get an idea of the kind of ring she liked. So, when at his family's home he treated her like shit, she felt so betrayed. His whole family loved her! Why didn't he? In her reality, it was because every mean thing he had ever said about her was true. She was convinced that if she could lose more weight, he would love her again.
When Emily and Noah returned to school after Thanksgiving, they had only three weeks until Christmas break. Noah had stopped saying "I love you" to Emily. They still spent alot of time together, much of it doing Noah's school work. Emily knew things weren't right, but she didn't know why. She figured losing more weight would fix it.
The Sunday night before exams were to start, Noah broke up with Emily. He said that he had asked her out for the wrong reasons to begin with. He thought it was just the next thing to check off on his list: find a girlfriend. He said that he had wanted to break up with her many times during their relationship. He said he never loved her nor planned to marry her. The next day, Emily got her first ever failing grade on a test. Her 4.00 GPA was shot in the ass. She didn't know why at this point, she just knew that she needed to get skinnier.
I don't know when Emily first put her fingers in her throat to make herself throw up. I don't know when she first decided to see how many days she could go without eating a thing. I do know that this became her norm. When she came home for Christmas her senior year, Emily had dropped to a size eight. She was depressed and not eating. I attributed this to the break-up. Who didn't cry all the time and stop eating when they experienced their first heartbreak?
Let me just tell you that the women in my family all have unhealthy relationships with food. My grandmother, mom and I all eat compulsively. We binge eat (no purging for us though!). We eat our feelings. I don't know what the hell happened to my sister, she eats healthily and exercises regularly (I just shuddered thinking about it). We always tease her that she's strange to this day because she came out backwards (breach). Knowing now that all of us women folk have a messed up relationship with food, it shouldn't surprise me that Emily does, too. I just never could have imagined that it would go the way it has.
When Emily went back to school in January (that's this year, 2012) she was miserable. Couldn't wait to get finished with school. She had been looking forward to this semester so much. I thought that once she got back into her school routine and involved in her classes that she would begin to feel better. I figured her friends would be there and the professors and their wives that she had formed strong bonds with should also helpful. Just being back where she lived the last three and a half years would be good for her.
Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong. Noah was everywhere. He waited for her outside her classes, he texted and called her, he watched her from whatever hole he could hide in. Stalker much? It was as if he somehow blamed her for their breakup. The guilt over his porn addiction and the way he mistreated, used and tossed her away must have been eating away at him. Well, it was eating away at Emily, too. She "couldn't" go to meals at the dining common because she'd see him there. He would often stare at her while she ate, looking away quickly when one of her friends turned to stare right back at him.
During the previous semester, Emily had spent most of her time with Noah and his friends. I don't know why they never spent any time with her friends. Maybe because he felt his needs and his friends were more important than hers. I do know that a few of Emily's friends felt something was off about Noah. So, when she returned to school, not only had Emily lost the man she loved, her future husband and fellow servant in Christ, she had lost all of her friends, too. The people who were Noah's friends before Emily came along were still his friends, not hers. The friendships she had built during her first three years of college had drifted away. All she had was her eating disorder. She knew she could control what went in her mouth even if she couldn't control the people around her. She knew she could count on vomiting when she did weaken and indulge. Since she had no close friends at the time, no one saw her not eating at every meal. No one noticed that she was skinny, her eyes were sunken in, that she went to the bathroom after the infrequent meals she did manage to eat. Until she had been back to school about a month. Then someone did notice. Almost the last person you would expect (no, not him!).
Home
Emily is home from college. She came home two weeks early because her therapist and the college's doctor didn't think she would make it to graduation. She was able to take the exams early in the two classes that she needed for her degree, but the graduate classes she was taking are a complete loss. The Dean of Women did remind Emily that even though she didn't get credit for the classes, she did gain the knowledge. It has been a struggle since she returned home. Trying to get her to eat, making sure she doesn't purge. She is taking in about 200 calories per day, only because we are making her. We are trying to find the right treatment center for her. I will fill in thee blanks between my last post and today when I get a chance.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Not So Distant Past
So, Emily and Noah were an official couple. This is a big thing at their college. The goal of many students is to find a spouse while in college. Emily was very emotionally immature and sexually naive. We had sheltered her to the point that she didn't know how to deal with the feelings she was having toward Noah. Most people have their first dating relationship while in their teens. They experience love, joy, lust, heartbreak, sexual experimentation and healing from the emotional pain that all these things sometimes cause. Emily, and as it turns out, Noah had no idea what they were in for and what to do with their new found love. Yes, they fell fast and hard. Well, we thought they both fell fast and hard. We saw from the beginning of their relationship that they weren't evenly matched. Emily's grades were much better than Noah's. Emily had a definite plan for her life while Noah had no clear idea of what he wanted to do. Emily was up to this point a very motivated, self-disciplined student. She had and still has a very loving, protective relationship with her brother. Noah has five siblings and is only really civil to the brother who is closest in age to him. And Emily seemed to be much more emotionally invested in the relationship than Noah.
The Summer between their Junior and Senior years, Emily and Noah Skyped, talked and texted endlessly. One month she spent 4,000 minutes on the phone with him! Emily went to his home in another state to attend a friend of Noah's wedding. Noah came to our home for 10 days towards the end of Summer to meet us and the extended family. I found out later that there were behaviors Noah was exhibiting that made Emily feel like she should break up with him. She has not shared what those behaviors were, but I am sure they will come out eventually. Each time she felt this way, she would pray about it. She says that God gave her peace about them being together and that she felt like she was supposed to help him become the godly man he wanted to be. We all know that you can't change someone. Maybe if Emily had had previous experience with dating she would have know this. I'd like to think so, but some women never learn the reality of this.
Now might be the right time to share that both Emily and Noah were committed to remaining sexually pure until marriage. They didn't want to even kiss because they knew hormones would make them want take it further. Emily felt cherished by Noah. She thought he valued her virtue and wanted to keep her sexually untouched. She didn't realize that the sin he was struggling with was a pornography addiction. She didn't know that because his only sexual information came from pornography, his views of sex and how women should be treated were skewed. During his time at our home, we were uncomfortable with the amount of physical affection Emily and Noah showed each other. It was nothing that most outside of our belief system would bat an eye at, but to us it was startling.
Between the time we had last seen her at Christmas and when she returned home in May, Emily had dropped from a size 12 to a size 10. We attributed the weight loss to the newness of a relationship. Spending so much time talking at meals getting to know each other better that eating was not the priority. Nervousness about eating in front of a new boyfriend. We also knew she was exercising with a friend who was getting married over the summer and wanted to lose some weight before the wedding.
Emily was supposed to graduate early. She had worked very hard toward her goal of finishing school at the end of the Fall semester. During Noah's visit to our home, we spoke to them regarding their future plans. Noah wanted to be a Pastor stateside and Emily's goal had always been to go back to Uganda. Now Emily had decided that maybe Uganda wasn't right for her and that she would make a better Pastor's wife. I have no doubt that she would make an excellent Pastor's wife, just not to Noah. It is a thankless, selfless job and those are two of Emily's gifts. We were concerned about the sudden change in her plans. They assured us that they had been talking for months about how both of them would be able to adapt what they had always before thought of as God's will for their lives so they could be together. God's will for their lives had not changed. Emily stopped putting God's will first and put Noah's needs first. It was decided that Emily would be allowed to change her schedule for the Fall semester to a lighter load and then attend the Spring semester to finish up her degree and take some graduate level classes. This was a financial burden that we had not planned on.
During the Fall semester, even though her class load was smaller, Emily struggled with having enough time to complete her assignments. Always an excellent student, she was having to give up hours of sleep every night to get her work done. It didn't make sense until we found out that she was helping Noah with his work. He had taken and failed Greek I and was taking it again that semester. As Emily had aced not only Greek I, but the next three semesters of Greek as well, she was able to help him alot. Hours every evening were spent in the library together working on HIS homework while hers went undone until it was time for lights out. This forced her to break the rules, staying up later and getting up earlier than allowed.
Somewhere early in the semester, Emily found out about Noah's porn addiction. I'm not sure how she found out. I can't imagine he told her, but maybe he did. His brother (also a student there) and Noah's best friend both knew, so it may have some from one of them. The best friend always treated Emily badly, but the brother thought of her as a sister. The fact that he was viewing pornography while dating her made her feel dirty and disgusting. She though she was surely fat compared to the women Noah must be seeing on the computer. Emily knew she had to lose weight if she were to keep Noah. She so strongly identified herself as his girlfriend and part of a couple that she couldn't imagine not having him. She is worth so much more! This also put her in a position of having to keep a secret for him. If the school found out, he would be expelled. If the school found out that she knew and didn't report him, she would get expelled. Yeah, the rules are archaic, but they knew the rules when they decided to attend school there. These were adults being treated like children
Emily went with Noah and his brother to their house for Thanksgiving. Of course, they had to take Emily's car, just as they did anytime they went anywhere. Noah's family loved Emily. They treated her like a daughter and a sister. Noah's 16 year old sister, who was sort of reclusive, shared her room with Emily and they were fast friends. The sister spent alot of time with Emily. That was a good thing, because while they were there, Noah ignored Emily almost completely. When he did pay attention to her, it was not nice. She had passed up the opportunity to spend the holiday with family because Noah wanted her to be with him but his priority while home was to play video games with his friends. During those six days, they did not do one thing alone together. Emily decided to stop eating.
While dating, Noah told Emily that he had struggled with an ongoing sin, but not the nature of the sin. They prayed together and did daily devotions together and Noah assured Emily that he was overcoming his sin due in part to her support. During this time, Emily's devotion and loyalty were undivided. She came to put Noah's well-being above everyone else's, including her own. She identified herself as "Noah's Girlfriend" and lost some of herself. She let go of many of her friendships. Noah treated Emily alright most of the time. He would sometimes take out his anger on her. Sometimes he was verbally abusive about Emily's appearance. While nowhere near fat, Emily was not a size two. Emily started to diet and exercise to lose weight.
The Summer between their Junior and Senior years, Emily and Noah Skyped, talked and texted endlessly. One month she spent 4,000 minutes on the phone with him! Emily went to his home in another state to attend a friend of Noah's wedding. Noah came to our home for 10 days towards the end of Summer to meet us and the extended family. I found out later that there were behaviors Noah was exhibiting that made Emily feel like she should break up with him. She has not shared what those behaviors were, but I am sure they will come out eventually. Each time she felt this way, she would pray about it. She says that God gave her peace about them being together and that she felt like she was supposed to help him become the godly man he wanted to be. We all know that you can't change someone. Maybe if Emily had had previous experience with dating she would have know this. I'd like to think so, but some women never learn the reality of this.
Now might be the right time to share that both Emily and Noah were committed to remaining sexually pure until marriage. They didn't want to even kiss because they knew hormones would make them want take it further. Emily felt cherished by Noah. She thought he valued her virtue and wanted to keep her sexually untouched. She didn't realize that the sin he was struggling with was a pornography addiction. She didn't know that because his only sexual information came from pornography, his views of sex and how women should be treated were skewed. During his time at our home, we were uncomfortable with the amount of physical affection Emily and Noah showed each other. It was nothing that most outside of our belief system would bat an eye at, but to us it was startling.
Between the time we had last seen her at Christmas and when she returned home in May, Emily had dropped from a size 12 to a size 10. We attributed the weight loss to the newness of a relationship. Spending so much time talking at meals getting to know each other better that eating was not the priority. Nervousness about eating in front of a new boyfriend. We also knew she was exercising with a friend who was getting married over the summer and wanted to lose some weight before the wedding.
Emily was supposed to graduate early. She had worked very hard toward her goal of finishing school at the end of the Fall semester. During Noah's visit to our home, we spoke to them regarding their future plans. Noah wanted to be a Pastor stateside and Emily's goal had always been to go back to Uganda. Now Emily had decided that maybe Uganda wasn't right for her and that she would make a better Pastor's wife. I have no doubt that she would make an excellent Pastor's wife, just not to Noah. It is a thankless, selfless job and those are two of Emily's gifts. We were concerned about the sudden change in her plans. They assured us that they had been talking for months about how both of them would be able to adapt what they had always before thought of as God's will for their lives so they could be together. God's will for their lives had not changed. Emily stopped putting God's will first and put Noah's needs first. It was decided that Emily would be allowed to change her schedule for the Fall semester to a lighter load and then attend the Spring semester to finish up her degree and take some graduate level classes. This was a financial burden that we had not planned on.
During the Fall semester, even though her class load was smaller, Emily struggled with having enough time to complete her assignments. Always an excellent student, she was having to give up hours of sleep every night to get her work done. It didn't make sense until we found out that she was helping Noah with his work. He had taken and failed Greek I and was taking it again that semester. As Emily had aced not only Greek I, but the next three semesters of Greek as well, she was able to help him alot. Hours every evening were spent in the library together working on HIS homework while hers went undone until it was time for lights out. This forced her to break the rules, staying up later and getting up earlier than allowed.
Somewhere early in the semester, Emily found out about Noah's porn addiction. I'm not sure how she found out. I can't imagine he told her, but maybe he did. His brother (also a student there) and Noah's best friend both knew, so it may have some from one of them. The best friend always treated Emily badly, but the brother thought of her as a sister. The fact that he was viewing pornography while dating her made her feel dirty and disgusting. She though she was surely fat compared to the women Noah must be seeing on the computer. Emily knew she had to lose weight if she were to keep Noah. She so strongly identified herself as his girlfriend and part of a couple that she couldn't imagine not having him. She is worth so much more! This also put her in a position of having to keep a secret for him. If the school found out, he would be expelled. If the school found out that she knew and didn't report him, she would get expelled. Yeah, the rules are archaic, but they knew the rules when they decided to attend school there. These were adults being treated like children
Emily went with Noah and his brother to their house for Thanksgiving. Of course, they had to take Emily's car, just as they did anytime they went anywhere. Noah's family loved Emily. They treated her like a daughter and a sister. Noah's 16 year old sister, who was sort of reclusive, shared her room with Emily and they were fast friends. The sister spent alot of time with Emily. That was a good thing, because while they were there, Noah ignored Emily almost completely. When he did pay attention to her, it was not nice. She had passed up the opportunity to spend the holiday with family because Noah wanted her to be with him but his priority while home was to play video games with his friends. During those six days, they did not do one thing alone together. Emily decided to stop eating.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Past
My daughter is a senior in college. For our purposes, we will call her "Emily". Emily has always been a very driven young woman. She has done well at everything she applied herself to. She was a straight A student through elementary and High School. She was excellent at her musical instrument. She was very active in our church's Youth Group, serving in leadership positions and being chosen to mentor younger girls. Emily was and still is a very good friend to so many. When the time came to choose a college, Emily chose one that she knew offered a challenging curriculum in her chosen major. See, Emily wanted to me a Missionary. She had been on four short-term missions trips and wanted to return to the country she had fallen in love with, Uganda
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Emily chose to major in Bible and minor in Greek. The phrase "It's all Greek to me!" took on a whole new meaning to my family. These degrees would enable Emily to return to Uganda and translate the Bible into the many languages spoken by the multitude of isolated villages in her country of choice.
We were so proud of our girl! She went to a state that was a ten hour drive from home. She lived in a very small room with three (that's right, I said 3) roommates. Emily was getting grades that would make any parent happy. Her Freshman year, Emily had a 4.0 in her Major. Emily's Sophomore year was the same song, different tune.
The thing I haven't mentioned is that we are (were, in some of our cases) a very Conservative, Born-Again, Bible believing, fundamental, Independent Baptist family. The High School Emily went to was attached to our church. It had 170 students from pre-school through 12th grade. There were 13 students in Emily's graduating class. The students were not allowed to touch students of the opposite gender, let alone date them. They weren't allowed to listen to secular music or see movies with anything but a G rating. We were very strict parents. Emily led a very sheltered life. She really seemed to thrive on it. She just was so happy and had so many friends all over the world and of all ages.
We were asked many times if we thought we were setting Emily up for a "rude-awakening" or "culture shock" by keeping her so isolated. People outside our circle of Church friends thought we were unfairly keeping her from exploring the sexual side of herself by not allowing her to date or spend time alone with boys. Emily seemed so mature and accepting. She never fought the rules, always wanted to please us and her church leadership.
Now, back to college. Physical contact between male and female students is not allowed where Emily goes to school. Demerits are handed out for any minor infraction of this policy. There are multiple "dating opportunities" throughout the year. There are also certain places on campus where a guy and girl who identify themselves as "dating" are able to spend time together. Emily had been serving in what her college called an "Extension Ministry", where a group of students would go each Friday evening to a pre-approved site to minister. They went to play ball and have refreshments with inner-city children. They went to have a mini-worship service at an elder-care facility. While on Extension in her Freshman year, Emily had met a guy. I am going to call him "Noah".
Noah and Emily struck up a friendship. Throughout their Freshman and Sophomore years, they spent time together as a group with the other students who went on Extension with them. Emily thought Noah liked her, but he never asked her out. Finally, in February of her Junior year, after being friends for over two years, Noah asked Emily to go to one of the dating opportunity activities the school was holding. Please keep in mind that in our "culture", if a guy wants to date our daughter, he must call her father and ask permission to do so. One date does not "dating" make! After the first date, Emily and Noah started to spend time together when they could. They hung out at the coffee shop, went to meals together, studied together. When Noah decided he wanted to be able to call Emily his "girlfriend", he called her father. After a grueling, hour-long conversation, Emily's father okay-ed the relationship.
I didn't know it at the time, nor did Emily, but during that conversation, Noah confessed to Emily's father that he had struggled with an addiction to Internet pornography. He claimed that he had over come it and that Emily was a big part of his getting victory over his sin. The viewing of pornography is an offense punishable by expulsion at their college. Emily's father, due to Noah's honesty and in good faith, believed him when Noah said that he had gotten victory over his sin. I am a much more cynical person. If I had know about it at the time, Emily would never have been allowed to see Noah again. I would happily have put myself in the path of her wrath to protect her from a walking mass of testosterone who already had some depraved views of the way women are to be treated. In our "culture" it is not up to the mother to make decisions about who the children date. That honor and responsibility falls to the father.
Now, I realize I haven't mentioned anything about Emily's ED in all this time. It is a long story and to understand it all, you need to know the complete back story. As time is short at the moment, I will be back as soon as is humanly possible to fill in the blanks for you. I promise not to leave you hanging!
.
Emily chose to major in Bible and minor in Greek. The phrase "It's all Greek to me!" took on a whole new meaning to my family. These degrees would enable Emily to return to Uganda and translate the Bible into the many languages spoken by the multitude of isolated villages in her country of choice.
We were so proud of our girl! She went to a state that was a ten hour drive from home. She lived in a very small room with three (that's right, I said 3) roommates. Emily was getting grades that would make any parent happy. Her Freshman year, Emily had a 4.0 in her Major. Emily's Sophomore year was the same song, different tune.
The thing I haven't mentioned is that we are (were, in some of our cases) a very Conservative, Born-Again, Bible believing, fundamental, Independent Baptist family. The High School Emily went to was attached to our church. It had 170 students from pre-school through 12th grade. There were 13 students in Emily's graduating class. The students were not allowed to touch students of the opposite gender, let alone date them. They weren't allowed to listen to secular music or see movies with anything but a G rating. We were very strict parents. Emily led a very sheltered life. She really seemed to thrive on it. She just was so happy and had so many friends all over the world and of all ages.
We were asked many times if we thought we were setting Emily up for a "rude-awakening" or "culture shock" by keeping her so isolated. People outside our circle of Church friends thought we were unfairly keeping her from exploring the sexual side of herself by not allowing her to date or spend time alone with boys. Emily seemed so mature and accepting. She never fought the rules, always wanted to please us and her church leadership.
Now, back to college. Physical contact between male and female students is not allowed where Emily goes to school. Demerits are handed out for any minor infraction of this policy. There are multiple "dating opportunities" throughout the year. There are also certain places on campus where a guy and girl who identify themselves as "dating" are able to spend time together. Emily had been serving in what her college called an "Extension Ministry", where a group of students would go each Friday evening to a pre-approved site to minister. They went to play ball and have refreshments with inner-city children. They went to have a mini-worship service at an elder-care facility. While on Extension in her Freshman year, Emily had met a guy. I am going to call him "Noah".
Noah and Emily struck up a friendship. Throughout their Freshman and Sophomore years, they spent time together as a group with the other students who went on Extension with them. Emily thought Noah liked her, but he never asked her out. Finally, in February of her Junior year, after being friends for over two years, Noah asked Emily to go to one of the dating opportunity activities the school was holding. Please keep in mind that in our "culture", if a guy wants to date our daughter, he must call her father and ask permission to do so. One date does not "dating" make! After the first date, Emily and Noah started to spend time together when they could. They hung out at the coffee shop, went to meals together, studied together. When Noah decided he wanted to be able to call Emily his "girlfriend", he called her father. After a grueling, hour-long conversation, Emily's father okay-ed the relationship.
I didn't know it at the time, nor did Emily, but during that conversation, Noah confessed to Emily's father that he had struggled with an addiction to Internet pornography. He claimed that he had over come it and that Emily was a big part of his getting victory over his sin. The viewing of pornography is an offense punishable by expulsion at their college. Emily's father, due to Noah's honesty and in good faith, believed him when Noah said that he had gotten victory over his sin. I am a much more cynical person. If I had know about it at the time, Emily would never have been allowed to see Noah again. I would happily have put myself in the path of her wrath to protect her from a walking mass of testosterone who already had some depraved views of the way women are to be treated. In our "culture" it is not up to the mother to make decisions about who the children date. That honor and responsibility falls to the father.
Now, I realize I haven't mentioned anything about Emily's ED in all this time. It is a long story and to understand it all, you need to know the complete back story. As time is short at the moment, I will be back as soon as is humanly possible to fill in the blanks for you. I promise not to leave you hanging!
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