Well, Emily is home-ish and living with her surrogate family. They refuse to take any money for room and board which of course adds to the maternal guilt (my mom has Jewish blood in her veins and has perfected the art of maternal guilt and passed that talent along to me) that is a crushing weight right now. Mrs. A. is taking really good care of Emily. She is cooking meals with Emily's health in mind. High protein, healthy meals. They all eat together (Pastor, Mrs & Emily) then sit and talk for awhile so Emily can't purge. She has told Pastor that she hasn't purged since she came home. Mrs A even packs a healthy lunch for when Emily works, texts her to remind her to eat and makes Emily send her photos of herself eating it! I don't think even I would go that far.
When Emily arrived home from college, she stayed here for a couple of days. Her collarbones and breastbone were very evident. She has always dressed very conservatively, baggy pants, collar bones covered. She is now wearing pants that, while not tight, definitely fit, and lower cut tops. Her waist looks like it's about 18 inches around. It is almost like she is proud of her emaciated state?
When Emily was planning her homecoming, she said she would not be able to stay here at all if her dad was here. That he was too much of a trigger because she was so angry at him. I told him he'd have to find somewhere else to stay for the two days/nights that she would be here. He sadly (for him, not me) agreed to do what was best for Emily. The second day she was home, she said she was going to stop at his work to see him!? I said that if she wanted to see him, I would just tell him to come home after work. Through their e-mails to each other, Emily says that she never said she didn't want him here. They "can't figure out where the miscommunication came from". Will she ever be able to tell anyone, most especially us, her true feelings? I feel like the bad guy here because it looks like I was trying to keep them apart. I was trying to make her homecoming (for the measly two days we'd have her) as stress-free as possible.
Before Emily came home, I spoke with the As (surrogate family) extensively regarding what we (her parents) felt was the best course of treatment for her. That included her physician, a nutritionist and a therapist. They said they didn't want to replace us as her parents and would work within our recommendations and provide a united front to her. Within 24 hours that united front had crumbled. They are taking excellent care of her physically and lovingly supporting her and meeting her spiritual needs (he is a pastor after all). They seem to have come to the conclusion that her course of treatment should be different from what her parents and previous therapist think is best. Emily is suddenly balking at going to therapy at all. And her forty year old friend Brenda is serving as her nutritionist at this point. When I ask about Brenda's training and education in nutrition I am told that she went through this herself, so she knows what to eat to get better. What the hell?!? Emily thinks that she can over come her ED with prayer and time in the Bible. She keeps reminding me that she is eating alot more and not exercising. While I am an eternal pessimist, can I possibly be the only one who sees that while Emily is thriving in their home, it can't last forever. Sometime, she is going have to leave their home. There won't be anyone to cook healthy meals for her, to make sure she eats them, to keep her from purging. If the deeper emotions that started her downward spiral into ED aren't dealt with, she will revert right back to her previous behavior as soon as she is in a less structured, more stressful situation.
Emily assigned (I was happy to kind of volunteer because I know the major importance of it) me the task of, get this, finding a Christian counselor who practices Biblically based treatment who has ED experience in our area. Talk about rare as hen's teeth. I truly believe that she thought it would be impossible to do so. Guess what? I found one! She is about 45 minutes away and meets all of Emily's requirements. Plus she meets mine. She mixes Biblical counseling with real psychology! She is an actual licensed psychologist. While I have my doubts that Emily will see her, like her and agree to continue therapy with her, it felt good to show Emily that there is qualified help available. She will meet with Emily this coming week for the first appointment.
Emily also saw her physician last week. I really like him (he is my doc, too). He is smart, easy to talk to, a freakin savant when it comes to keeping up with all the latest journals and exceptionally well versed in women's health issues. He ordered a bunch of labs and will see Emily again in two weeks to go over them. He is going to recommend a nutritionist. It seems to be taking forever to get a treatment team in place. At least she is being well cared for in the meantime.
I really feel like an outsider in her life right now. She has always been fairly independent, but it feels like she is intentionally cutting us out of her like as much as she can. When we do see her, she is reluctant to make eye contact. She only fills us in on what's going on in her life if we ask specific questions. She has a sullen, sixteen year old girl attitude, sneering at us with surprising consistency. It is almost as if she is punishing us for something. I'm sure that whatever she is punishing us for is clear in Emily's mind, but we need to know exactly what it is. Since she has never been able to share her true feelings with us, I hope she is able to articulate what she sees as our transgressions after some therapy. I know I am too sensitive to this, but I can't help feeling this way.
Today is Mother's Day, always a hard day for me because it falls so shortly after my other daughter's death and her and Emily's birthday. The first two weeks of May always really suck for me. This year they have been extremely hard. I haven't had a May this bad emotionally in years. I like to kind of avoid Mother's Day and request no special treatment. It brings up all my feelings about being a terrible mother. Please don't offer me platitudes about that not being true, because the proof of it is right in front of me. I was responsible for my other daughter's death. I raised Emily without meeting some very important needs or she wouldn't have an ED. I haven't provide something that my son needs or he wouldn't be as volatile as he is.
I started therapy this week. I really liked Kathy during our first meeting. After having me briefly tell her my story, she said that I jumped from one trauma (staring at age five with my first memory) right to the next one. I didn't tell her about anything in between traumas. She said I have learned to define my life by traumas and am always waiting for the next one, which I am sure is right around the corner. I know I haven't dealt with the grief of my daughter's death (which was 20 years ago this year) or the feelings having to do with being molested. There are so many things. I need to go through them one at a time and feel the shit I have been working so hard to avoid for the last 40 years. Gee, I wonder where Emily learned to not show her true feelings? It is a daunting and terrifying road ahead. It will be hard, painful WORK, but I need to do it, both to show Emily that I am willing to get help to be better equipped emotionally to help her and to be a better mom to my son. There is still time for me to not fuck him up as much as I did Emily.
To end this post on a positive note, Emily is making a valiant effort to take her brother out once a week. Since he is scared for her and doesn't understand why she can't live with us, this is really important time for them to have together. I hope they can talk openly to each other as both of them keep their feelings from us. But, as he is a14 year old boy, I doubt he is real talkative, especially about feelings, ewwww!
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