I was very thankful that Emily had felt safe to reach out to my sister when she needed someone. And that my sister was loving enough and in a financial position that allowed her to get Emily the help she needed. That said, when my sister told me about Emily's ED I as angry. Very angry. I felt betrayed that something so serious had been happening to my child and no one felt I was strong enough to handle it. During the time that Emily was sick but it was being kept from me, my life was crumbling. Emily knew parts of what was happening, but not all of it. She kept asking me for more and more details. Imagine the guilt I had when I found out that those very details were making her sicker. If I had know she was sick, I would never have told her anything bad that was happening at home.
My DH (Dear Husband or Dick Head depending on my feelings at the moment) owns a woefully unsuccessful business. He works up to 80 hours a week, thinking that the more he works the more money he will make. The truth is that he needs to work smarter and spend his time on billable jobs, not other things unrelated to the business. His business has been failing for 17 years. Everyone can see it but him. We are always hanging on to our house by our fingernails. During the months that Emily was sick, DH was not paying her tuition. The house was in pre-foreclosure, the utilities were in constant threat of being turned off and the car was a month from re-possession. Add to this DH's dedication to his ministry at church and an emotional affair with a fellow ministry worker. DH spent alot of money on the kids in his ministry. Money that could have been used in many ways to help our family. He spent an unbelievable amount of time on his ministry and with his "friend". Everyone around him saw their relationship growing into something inappropriate for a married man and a married woman that were not married to each other!
He wanted to hire his "friend" to work at his business. He told me many times how organized she was and how she was willing to do any task he asked of her. I was so sick of hearing about how grreat she was. And of him talking to her on the phone either outside or in another room with the door closed. Did he think I was too stupid to figure it out? He seemed to see her as the savior of his business. Over the years there have been many things and people that he thought would "save" his business. I got to the point that I realized there is nothing that will save it. I asked him not to hire her. Emily asked him not to hire her. The Pastor at church asked him not to hire her. While we were all asking this, she was quiting her job and working for him anyway. Emily and I saw this as a serious breach of what little trust we had in him.
Over the last decade, we have all begged DH to give up his ministry so he could devote more time to his family and business. He never would because the kids needed him. He always chose the ministry over us. Our church is very conservative and legalistic. A married man and a married woman are not to spend time alone together because of the appearance of impropriety and the temptation. The Pastor told DH that he had to stop spending time with this woman or he would be removed from his ministry. He chose to continue spending time with her and was subsequently removed from the ministry. He chose HER over the ministry when for 10 years he had shown us through his actions that the ministry was more important than his family. He still talks, texts and e-mails her many times a day.
This was very hard for Emily to take and she suggested that I divorce him. She is a very anti-divorce person. Several years ago I saw a lawyer regarding divorce. When I told Emily what I was considering, she got very angry and judgemental. I decided not to follow through with the divorce. Emily now felt a heavy burden of guilt because she thought that if she hadn't reacted the way she did then, I would be free of the pain I was now suffering. I assured her many times that it was MY decision not to divorce him. I am just not strong enough to step out on my own.
OK, back to college. After Emily and I talked about her ED and the seriousness of it, I felt like we were good. She had confided in me, I thought completely. Details continue to be revealed that she didn't tell me right away. It was discussed whether she would come home early and miss graduation or try to tough it out for another few weeks. Her therapist (with whom I was now in communication) recommended coming home early, as did I.
Emily went to her faculty advisor and confided everything to him.. He got the Dean of Women involved. The Dean made Emily go to the doctor associated with the school. The doctor recommended that Emily get home and away from the stress of school ASAP. Her faculty advisor could not have been more helpful. He arranged for Emily to stay at the home of one of her professors for several days and miss her classes so she could catch up on some rest in a stress-free environment. The wife of this professor had developed a relationship with Emily and had been very concerned about her.
Emily's advisor was working during this time to find ways to have Emily's professors let her take her final exams early so she could come home. The professor teaching her undergrad courses allowed it. He also allowed her to waive the quizzes and projects that were due before the exam. The professors of the graduate courses however, were not cooperative. Emily went to the Dean of the department who said he could not help her and if she chose to leave early she would lose those credits (Grrrr!). The Dean of Women mad a good point in that Emily would still have the knowledge she had gained in those classes, just not the credits. Emily felt guilty that the money invested in those courses was wasted. I was unable to convince her that her health was far more important than any amount of money.
We all felt that with the blackouts and dizziness, Emily wasn't safe to make the 11 hour drive home alone. I would fly down and drive her home or a friend would come home with her and we would buy her a ticket to fly back down. Her awesome, wonderful friend who loves her a ton got permission to skip her Monday classes. She also made sure that Emily ate a good breakfast before they left and that she wasn't left alone to purge. They left to drive home on Sunday, just eight days after I had been told of her ED.
During those eight days, I had been making appointments with her doctor, spending hours ahd hours everyday on-line finding treatment centers. Her therapist and the school doctor felt strongly that Emily needed in-patient treatment. I kept Emily informed to a degree about what I was finding. It was then that she told me she couldn't live at home with us. The stress in of my relationship with DH and her brother's Type I Diabetes would be harmful to her. She spoke with one of the Pastors at the church with whom she has been very close for 10 years. He and his wife love her very much. Their daughter has been Emily's mentor for years. They were happy to have her stay in their guest suite for however long it took to get her the treatment she needed.
I was crushed that I was unable to provide a safe environment for my own child. The guilt was overwhelming (seeing a pattern here?). At the same time, I was very thankfull that Emily had a safe place to go where she would be loved and nurtured. What mattered most was not how I felt. What mattered the most was getting Emily home, to a safe place where she could begin to heal. She is still living there. And adamantly refuses to go to in-patient treatment.
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